Star Wars: The Force Awakens Review

I used to really be into Star Wars.  I read books, comics, played the video games, wore Star Wars clothes, and even had a few toys but I took them out of the box.  I would even spend hours reading Wookieepedia entries to fill in the blanks I had in the lore.  Yeah, there are A LOT of Star Wars fans more hardcore than me, but I was probably nerding out above "average person who likes Star Wars".

Once you start to learn a lot about a fictional universe however, you start to find every little flaw, most of which was introduced in the Prequels or the now defunct Expanded Universe.  Like, the ability to use The Force is apparently genetic yet the Jedi Order bans Jedi from having children, or the Galactic Senate being simultaneously powerless and way too powerful.  Jar Jar brings the motion to give Palpatine "emergency dictatorial powers" and all the other senators agree without any questions asked.  Also, every important event in the entire galaxy happens around a small number of people. The Jedi tree from Qui Gon Jinn practically responsible for everything.  Even the technology in this universe is ludicrously overpowered.  Fans have calculated that a single blast from a Star Destroyer has 70 Terajoules of energy.  Why even bother with a Death Star? An orbital bombing from just a half dozen of these things should leave any planet a wasteland.

Of course, the shield generators are easy targets.  Hasn't the Empire seen a video game boss weak point before?

Star Wars got too big for it's own good.  All this expanded lore was introduced into a franchise that started as a homage to Buck Rodgers, other serialized pulp Sci-Fi, westerns, and samurai films.  Star Wars is a mish-mash of a lot of dumb silly fun that just blew up into a garbage fire of dumb silly nonsense.   

So I was hesitant to buy into the immense hype for Star Wars: The Force Awakens completely.  86'ing the Expanded Universe post Return of the Jedi was a good move, but the Prequels remained.  How much of the superfluous crap would remain and how much would this movie return Star Wars to it's roots.  

Luckily, my fears were unfounded.  Star Wars: The Force Awakens is almost more of a remake of A New Hope rather than a sequel.  Some people may be disappointed by this, but I really, really liked the movie because of this.  

The Empire regroups after Return of the Jedi and is renamed The First Order.  A New Republic is also established which supports a Resistance against The First Order.  How much of the Galaxy is controlled by what faction is never explored but it wasn't really necessary.  Luke Skywalker is missing and everybody and their mother is looking for him.  BB-8, the little soccer ball droid, is carrying part of a map to him and acts as the maguffin for the movies plot.  

If this sounds exactly like the plot to A New Hope, it is.  Empire/First Order, Rebels/Resistance, R2-D2 carrying Death Star schematics/BB-8 carrying a map.  There is even MORE likenesses to A New Hope that I can't get into because of spoilers (See spoiler section below).  While the movie can be criticized for not taking any chances and not introducing anything really new, I appreciate the move back to Star Wars' roots.  Yeah, I would have liked a different plot, but I didn't mind the recycled aspects THAT much.  

First Order/Nazi Germany

The reboot feel is more pronounced with the 8 gajillion callbacks in this movie.  There are so many they ALMOST got distracting but luckily the callbacks are....get this, actually relevant to the plot, unlike Jurassic World that treated it's callbacks like blatant fan service and nothing else.  Old characters are given more to do than just be extended cameos.  Harrison Ford does a really good job with old Han, granted, he could probably play Han Solo and Indiana Jones in his sleep.  Han doesn't change much other than having a little "I'm too old for this shit" feel to him.  Carrie Fisher plays a battle-hardened Leia who is no longer the plucky princess of yesteryear.  She means business while also seeming a little tired of these endless wars.  It's a good change.  

One thing the Prequels did poorly was establish new characters with depth and personality.  Poor dialogue was largely to blame for this but this movie's new characters are fantastic with solid dialogue.  

Rey takes on the new young Luke role and is a really well done character.  She's a firecracker with a well established personality.  She doesn't need much expository dialogue as aspects of her personality is shown rather than having characters tell us who she is like the audience is stupid.  Much of the movies plot just happens to her, so her depth isn't explored all that much, but that depth IS hinted at.  For the first movie in a planned trilogy, this is okay and I look forward to learning more about her character.  I'd argue she's already a better lead than Luke was since Luke was sorta characterized as a dumbass teenager in the first movie.  Rey isn't a bright eyed idiot and is established as a character who can get shit done on her own immediately.  She isn't dependent on others as much as Luke was in A New Hope.

Finn is a ex-stormtrooper who is something of a cowardly lion type who just wants to run away from the fighting.  He's got a solid arc and his interactions with Rey are fun.  He too isn't explored too much in depth but there is time to do so in future movies.  Plus, a black man and a woman in the two lead roles is the best for Internet bigots.

....Nice one Abrams.   (Trust me, not a spoiler).

Meanwhile, Poe is fine even if he's underdeveloped.  He's the best pilot in the Resistance and the likely lead in Star Wars: Rogue One.  He's a bit of a Han Solo type but without the edge.  Poe also has a scene that acts as an explanation for a scene that happens to Rey later, while ALSO being a plot point.  It's the type of scene many moviemakers would have cut so I'm glad it stayed in.  

Rylo Ken is a solid villain and a HUGE departure from how the Sith are typically characterized as.  The Sith usually have stone cold emotions, they're super confident, and basically demi-gods.  Rylo Ken is prone to temper tantrums, has shaky confidence, and is pre demi-god.  He's strong and menacing while also being vulnerable.  It helps level the playing field for Rey and Finn.  His motivations are...a bit glossed over as typical Dark Side stuff, but it's at least more than "he's evil", so I'll count this as a win.

The mask is mostly for show.

The movie also fixes a major flaw of the prequels by not overusing CGI.  BB-8 looks real.  A lot of the environments look like they were based on actual models and don't have that video game shine.  Stormtrooper armor isn't always pristine and show signs of wear and tear.  They, god forbid, get dirty in the desert!  What a concept!  

The few changes the movie does make to the universe are solid.  Tie fighters are shown to have copilots, which takes advantage of the whole 360 vision these fighters are designed to look like they have.  Both the First Order and the Resistance both have female pilots and soldiers, so the female cast isn't mostly prostitute.  Actually, the best changes are to the Stormtroopers themselves.  They are actually competent.  Some of them actually hit the targets they are shooting at!  They have even developed countermeasures from getting their asses kicked from dudes with laser swords and from teddy bears with goddamn rocks.

Even the mask re-design is badass

However, there is one production issue I have with the movie.  Just like with Avengers: Age of Ultron, this movie is super fast paced and edited at light speed.  Again, the pacing of the movie is difficult to pin down.  The time frame of the events of the movie make it seem like everything happened in a week, or even just a few days, but that wouldn't make sense to the plot.  It's a minor gripe but it's becoming an epidemic in Disney franchises.  You can slow down portions of the plot without the audience getting bored guys.  Come on.

All in all though, I really liked the movie.  I hesitate to call it great though mostly due to the recycled plot.  However, this movie was exactly what the Star Wars franchise needed in their movies after all the bullshit.  It was a return to what makes Star Wars great even if it didn't take any chances.  Almost the opposite of what many sequels and reboots are, this movie has all the heart and soul, but not enough brains.

That being said, when episode VIII rolls around, I may just buy into the hype this time.

SPOILER SECTION BELOW.

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Disclaimer: All pictures used are within Fair Use for review purposes.  

Beyond Good and Evil HD Review

Every time I play a cult classic, I can't help myself from purposely seeking out what makes the game special.  The last cult classic game I've played, which is debateably the cult-iest classic-ist game ever, is Deadly Premonition.  While I didn't really like the game all that much due to its wonky combat, bizarre difficulty (either way too easy to way too hard), the worst map in video game history, and one of the longest, dumbest mandatory sequences I have ever seen (the dog chase)...I still GOT it.  No really, I GET the appeal of Deadly Premonition.  Some of the more nuanced parts were so good/weird that I couldn't help but sort of enjoy the game while also hating it.  It's just one of those games that you have to experience for yourself to understand.

Beyond Good and Evil however, I didn't get.  Or, at least, whatever makes this game so popular seems contradictory to the reasons this game is praised.

In BGE, you take control of a woman named Jade, who is a photojournalist/martial arts expert/orphanage manager.  She lives in the town of Hillys which is periodically bombarded by bug like aliens called Domz raining down from a portal in the sky.  Also, there is a paramilitary group called the Alpha Sections who claim to be Hillys' only line of defense from the Domz and from people going missing.  Yet another faction called the Iris Network claims the Alpha Sections is responsible for kidnapping people and are secretly working with the Domz.

Not sure if these are Domz.  The game is vague.

If this all sounds like it could make an interesting plot, it doesn't.  Very early in the game, Jade joins the Iris Network and goes on photojournalism missions to prove the connection of the Domz to the Alpha Sections, which are then published for the citizens of Hillys too see.  The game leaves no ambiguity here when some would have been much appreciated.  Almost immediately, the game tells you right out that the Alpha Sections are bad guys after trying to hide it for, like, the first hour.  Why even bother?

As for Jade herself, she is a badass, but has emotions when bad things happen and ugh....Okay.  She lacks any real personality. Her characterization is basically, "Good person who fights evil and has emotions and stuff." This is basically the very same protagonist in any action game ever, although the better ones try to provide some depth.  Jade doesn't have much.  Why is she sheltering orphans?  Just cause she's the protagonist?  This is bare bones characterization.

Her design is cool as fuck though.  Her look is better than her writing.  

The secondary characters are arguably worse.  Pey'j, her "uncle", is a man-pig (this planet has humanoid animals as well) who is basically a rough and tumble mechanic/engineer who is secretly the leader of the Iris Network and I don't even care if that is a spoiler because it was obvious when a game has only 3 story critical characters.  Although, I will admit to smiling when he uses his jet boots and screams "chili con carne".  I love the rare B-movie parts to this game.

The other major secondary character is HH (he's referred to as double H in voice over), who is a noble knight type who provides the muscle of the group.  He's also really into a hero guide book that he has memorized and quotes constantly.  And...that's it.  We know NOTHING about his motivations.  I have no idea why he is working with Jade.  He's just another good guy because, why not I guess?  Also, his name is stupid.

He's so loyal....for NO REASON.

Even the ending to the game is full of WTF.  I don't even care if this is yet another spoiler because Jade can apparently magically heal people for NO REASON, and she floats in the sky and saves a bunch of kids MAYBE  or she steals their souls or some shit then credits.  What?  WHY?!?

With a plot that has no good surprises (I don't count the ending) and characters that are cardboard cutouts, the gameplay takes place in a pseudo-open world.  Areas are blocked off until the game lets you earn enough Pearls (a currency for your hovercraft) to upgrade your gear so you can reach a new area.  The Pearls are earned in main quests as well as side quests.  The side quests mostly consist of hovercraft racing, taking pictures of animals, catching bandits in tunnels, and the "Fallout Side Quest" of going into a monster filled den and killing everything.  They're pretty dumb, but for the age of the game, I'll give them a pass.

The gameplay itself is pretty pedestrian all across the board.  The game starts with hack n' slash mechanics where one button does every attack, one button dodges the heavily telegraphed enemy attacks, and...nothing else.  It's not so bad as much as it feels unfinished.  Although I must complement the animation of linking attacks from one enemy to another.  It's very slick and seamless.  It seems like an early Assassins Creed combat system.

Not sure what the fire is but yeah.  Hitting aliens with sticks.

The driving (and later, flying) sections are okay.  It's pretty average and feels like a typical GTA game of the time.  There isn't much to say here as I HATE "realistic" racing games so my bias says this arguably bland driving system is whatever.

It's functional.

Most of the main story missions though are heavily based on stealth sections, sometimes mixed up with the hack n' slash sections and OK.  I'M NOT GOING TO DO WHAT EVERYBODY THINKS I'M GOING TO DO....the stealth sections are fine.  I mean, they're average, but fine.  It is a bit jarring to go from the best stealth game of all time in MGSV to....THIS, but it's fine.  The stealth sections are mediocre due to really predictable guard AI and the inability to toggle crouch.....

BY THE FUCKING WAY.

Really?  I have to hold down the crouch button?  Please, just steal the idea from MGS (and you can't "old game" excuse this.  MGS ONE let you toggle crouch).  I beg you.  Why not at least have the option to toggle crouch?  I couldn't accept this fact and continuously checked the options menu hoping in vain that it would magically have the option to toggle crouch.  I think I have permanent damage in my left hand from holding down the same button for over 30 minutes straight.

Jade is ninja.  Silent like shadow, invisible like footsteps....wait.

So, what's the deal with this game?

Everything is so mediocre.  The characters are stereotypical archetypes.  The story is bland and has no surprises except that WTF nonsense ending.  The gameplay tries every sort of mechanic ever and therefore doesn't do any single one of them great.  It's all just average.  Everything you get is okay but seemingly unfinished for its time; gameplay, story, characters, and presentation are all "meh".  The graphics are a bit cartoony but not entirely.  Everything seems to be clinging to childhood while also introducing adult themes.  It's so goddamn mediocre it's infuriating.  Like, this game is a child friendly GTA or this games' fans are all nostalgia fucking this game because - OH MY GOD......

....oh.

I am NOT the target audience for this game.  This game seems like a step up from the super kid friendly titles of Mario, Zelda, Spyro, BanjoKazooie, and the like in difficulty, while also being training for more adult titles like GTA and MGS at the time.  This game isn't designed for me.....and that's why I don't get it.

I GET this game though.

This game is a cult classic because some people played this in the 8-15 age range and it became a stepping stone to more adult games.  I can appreciate that.  It's not for me but I regret what I said earlier.  I get this game now....I guess.

....That cliffhanger epilogue is bullshit though.

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4 Complaints About Life is Strange Addressed.

General Life is Strange review is here.  

I'd like to address a few of the complaints about Life is Strange since I disagree with many of them.  Unfortunately, 2 of them I cannot discuss without spoilers so I'll put a page break in for those of you who still want to play these games.  The first 2 are spoiler free though so have at it.

Not sure if I'm saying I'm smarter than everyone but....

1.  The Secondary Characters are all Cliche Stereotypes.

On the surface, yeah, they are.  You have a rich asshole dude, a popular alpha-bitch, reserved bible thumper, arrogant science/nerd girl, famous arrogant art teacher, creepy "I wanna draw you" guy, even creepier janitor who talks to squirrels, asshole security guard former marine, asshole drug dealer, and even Chole is a bitchy punk girl, who is only that way because her PERFECT father died in a car accident years ago.

Almost all of these characters get fleshed out and have many layers to their personality, some more than others, but still a lot more than your average video game character.  Throughout the games, Max discovers more and more about these characters backstory and their motivations.  Characters that seem like outright villains at first start to look more sympathetic once you discover more information about them. Some of the nicer characters might be a little darker than they seem at first.  They have depth.  Most video games ignore this kind of characterization, which makes this complaint mind boggling for me.

"But he's a Chief.  A MASTER Chief."  

This kind of complaint makes me wonder if the gamers that make it see EVERYONE as a stereotype.  The thing this game does so well is make characters that feel like actual people.  Social media, and the internet at large, tends to make us all look like stereotypes.  People are rarely JUST a "Fallout fan" or "Avs fan" or "Gun nut", or "Republican", or "Liberal", or...you get the idea.  And while I think there are a few people out there who do tie their entire identity to one thing, I think they are the exception, not the rule.  People are more complicated than that.  Life is strange indeed.

2.  There is no Gameplay

I swear this is the last time I'm going to mention this in regards to this game but please, stop.  I know "walking simulators" exist in this grey area that is between full fledged video game and visual novel.  It doesn't matter.  Making this argument when there is still SOME gameplay is absolutely stupid.

How about a Sleeping Simulator?  Happy now?

When people make this complaint, what they really mean is that the gameplay sucks (which is very subjective) or that there is not "enough" of it.  Enough of it?  I don't even know what that means?  Did you want a combat section?  The type of people who make this complaint tend to do it exclusively on games without combat, or at least traditional puzzles.  Life is Strange has plenty of puzzles, most of which are far more cerebral than traditional puzzles.  I'd argue LiS's puzzles are more cerebral than Portal and I LOVE Portal. I found out that I NEEDED the journal at times to make sense of things.  This game made the journal a part of gameplay way more than any RPG's codex.

No gameplay.  Get the fuck out.

Spoiler section below.

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Life is Strange (Season 1) Review

The only reason I started playing Life is Strange to begin with is because I had a little bit of money left on a gift card and decided to spend the rest on episode 1.  And wow, am I glad I did because Life is Strange is one of the best games I've played this year and easily the best story-driven episodic game I've ever played.

This game is about Maxine (Max) Caulfield who moves back to her childhood home of Arcadia Bay, a fictional town in the Pacific Northwest, to attend the prestigious Blackwell Academy which I think only teaches art and science.*  She soon after has a vision of a giant tornado destroying Arcadia Bay, then after witnessing a blue haired girl get shot in the bathroom, she learns that she has the power to rewind time.  Max uses her new found power to save the girl from getting shot who just so happens to be Max's childhood friend Chloe.  Despite Max's years long absence, the two quickly re-establish their friendship while doing detective work on Chloe's missing friend Rachel Amber.

This poster is plastered everywhere.

*I say art and science because it's the only things we really know about this school. They also have a swim team and maybe a football team because I doubt some of the dudebro characters are that into Monet or Kepler.**  Well, unless the game is trying to break jock stereotypes...but I kinda doubt it.

**Look at me name dropping.

This is where the heart of the game is; in Max and Chloe's friendship, while also solving the mystery of Rachel Amber.  The friendship itself wouldn't be so good if the characters were not absolutely fantastic. Max and Chloe are very well written, excellently voice acted, and so incredibly likeable that it's hard NOT to get emotionally invested in their adventure.  People who read this blog will know I put a high priority on character in stories and these two might be in my top 10 for a video game.  I'm not kidding.  Video games often have bland characters because the worlds they live in are so fanciful.  Max and Chloe are very grounded into the real world, time travel powers aside, and it's so refreshing to see a video game accomplish making characters that feel real.

That said, occasionally a line of dialogue will seem out of place.  A certain line will seem a little TOO witty and clever for a teenager.  Also some of the slang seems out of place but that might admittedly be due to my age and geography.  Dontnod, the developer behind the game, actually studied teenage slang in the Pacific Northwest for their writing.  That's pretty impressive since most games think about writing and dialogue like long time Republicans think about Donald Trump.  Regardless of this occasional weirdness, the writing as a whole is very, very good.

The mystery around Rachel Amber is also very well done.  Most of the game is around this mystery while the doomsday vision Max has is almost an afterthought.  Very little time is spent on Max's vision, which is actually a good thing, because it's kind of lame.  All the best parts about this stories gameplay come from the mystery surrounding Rachel and from certain "problems" Chloe and/or Max get into while sleuthing.  There is one part in episode 4 that is especially good and really a great example of how a detective game without combat can be fantastic.  Spoiler, highlight to read (the corkboard where you piece all the clues together in fantastic. I wouldn't say it's hard, but I actually had to bring up the journal for one clue.  It was so well done).

Speaking of gameplay, this is the style of game that is light on it (I've written about this before, sorta).  This style of game is very choice orientated.  The game lets you know on major choices by stopping time "wah wah" style, but even minor choices can affect the story like watering your damn plant (I killed it. Just like with real life plants).  Most of the gameplay is around talking to people, rewinding time to get them to tell you what you need, or snooping through people's stuff to find clues. 

Gameplay

The gameplay does branch off at times, like a stupid scavenger hunt in episode 2 and some AWFUL stealth sections.  Tell me, what is the point in a stealth section if I can just rewind time from any location?  Move forward, get caught, rewind time until dude on patrol is somewhere else while Max is still in the same location she got caught at, and move along like nothing happened. There is no penalty for getting caught.  Luckily, there are only two of these, and the first one at least makes contextual sense, but the second one is completely unnecessary.  Outside of these few stupid gameplay moments, the rest of it is solid, especially anything having to do with solving the mystery of Rachel Amber.

The biggest reason I love this game so much is because it gave me two of the most emotional reactions I've ever had in a video game.  The first came at the end of episode 2. Without spoiling anything, I failed pretty hard here and spent the rest of the night pacing my living room trying to fight off the urge to replay the whole thing.  I had never really felt failure that hard in a video game. It wasn't something where you just respawn at the last checkpoint or you can reload your last save.  You have to live with it.

Goddamnit 

The 2nd part comes about 1/3rd of the way though episode 4.  The first part of episode 4 is a long, brutal, slog of depression (in a good way).  You just feel like absolute shit through all of it and every little detail you learn in this part just adds to the misery. Each piece of info you find just makes it worse.  It's really well done.  Then, you get a reprieve after being able to reverse all this misery (time travel remember) and....I have never felt so, GENUINELY HAPPY in a video game.  It's not the same kind of happy you get from defeating that super hard boss or overcome a really difficult level.  This was different.  This was like seeing somebody you care about pull through from something horrible.  It was unique.  It's...hard to explain.

...

Your millage may vary however and you may not think the characters are as good as I do, but if you get invested, those two moments won't let you down.

Unless something surprises me in the last two months, this will likely be my personal Game of the Year. Looking through reactions to the finale makes me think a lot of people HATED the ending, but I actually dug it quite a bit.  Your choices do matter, kind of, but this is a topic for it's own blogpost for obvious spoiler reasons (coming soon). There is a lot of lessons here about the real world and I think the ending pisses some people off because they can't get everything they wanted.  Also, the apocalypse tornado's explanation is completely glossed over but honestly, I didn't really care about that.  The great characters, solid story, and overall charm won me over.  The flaws are easily forgivable.

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The Quiet Controversy. Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain - Follow Up

For those reading that don't know, this is Quiet...

I know right?  She really should throw those tights away.  They are RIDDLED with holes.

Possible mice and/or bug infestation in Quiet's wardrobe aside, she is the controversial sniper support in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.  As you can imagine, she is controversial because of her design.  She goes into battle wearing a sexy soldier Halloween costume.  Yes, this is very stupid, but most of Metal Gear Solid is pretty stupid anyway* so just by looking at her with no context doesn't really mean anything.  I've instead been interested in what other people have to say about her and how this controversy was overblown.

*In case you are reading only this post and not my overall review, I love MGS for the record.  So don't fly off the handle at me calling MGS stupid, okay?  It is stupid, but I love it anyway.

So here I am being topical a month late.  This is my opinion on Quiet in numbered form.  10 points.

"Or 10 points to shoot and kill you!!"....thanks Quiet.

1.  As a heterosexual white dude, her design doesn't bother me in the slightest!  It's like I'm being catered to!....Wait a minute.

2.  Anybody who doesn't want to play the game JUST because of her design is totally justified.  I don't get it when people get upset about this.  Like, what, do you own Konami stock or something?  MGS isn't going to die because of low sales, it's already dead because Kojima will no longer be involved.  I'm sure there is something that you refuse to play/watch/read/do JUST because you didn't like the look of a certain part, even if the rest of the parts look fine.

3.  The reasoning behind her wearing a bikini is dumb as hell.  It's a spoiler but revealed pretty early in the game, highlight to read (she breathes through her skin).  Why?  Well, that's actually kinda fun and, also, stupid as hell as revealed late in the game.  In fact....

4.  ...It looks just like the same stupid reasons directors use so they can have naked women in their grindhouse B-movies.  MGS has ALWAYS had a B-movie plot but with a bloated budget.  All of the stupid shit in MGS mirrors those same shitty B-movies that I have a soft spot for.  Yes, some of those B-movies have naked women in them for no reason whatsoever, but the better ones try to justify it with a plot point that is something completely stupid, over-the-top, convoluted, or all of the above.  Doesn't Quiet's "justification" for her almost nude-ness mimic this?  Again, yes, it's dumb, but it's kind of the point.

This was all MoCap BTW.

5.  I know Kojima said something along the lines of "you will all feel ashamed when you find out why she dresses that way" or whatever.  I don't know or care.  I refuse to take one tweet by the man as gospel when everybody was hammering him on one design choice at the time.  That said....

6.  Maybe Kojima is trolling us. Maybe he knows perfectly well that MGS is stupid and his public remarks about Quiet (along with the "waiting for the cosplay" remark) is in jest.  This dude has always been Mayor of TrollTown anyway.  I'm not sure he believes what he says.*

Don't be a perv breh.

*Obviously, there is no way to know for certain.  I don't personally know the guy, obvs.  But he has always came across as one of those developers who really cares about the fans and doesn't want to offend anybody.  I'd wager a bet that he was responding to the negative tweets about Quiets design defensively as human nature says we are likely to do.  Who hasn't said stupid shit on Twitter/Facebook/whatever, raise your hand?....If you raised your hand, you're a liar.

7.  That said, I wish Kojima would have just said, "I want a naked chick in my game, fuck ya'll" and been done with it.  Anybody who claims Quiet is not dressed like that for sex appeal is full of shit.  Common.  In what way is this NOT played up for sex appeal....

This is high art apparently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  There is a heartbreaking reason for this scene and maybe by itself it could stand up to scrutiny.  The rest of the game, oogles her with the camera, sometimes when you don't even want it too.  There were more than a few times when I pulled up my iDroid to do work when she is doing this in the background....

Y U Always Doing Things?

If you want to claim that she is not played off as sex appeal, fine.  Evidence says otherwise.

8.  It's distracting because IMO, she was a pretty interesting character.  Not GREAT or anything, but good. There is a mystery around her most of the game and the payoff is that B-movie cheese I love so much.  I'm amazed the controversy around her character isn't about something else.  LATE GAME SPOILER (she has a torture scene).  The second half of this game's story is pretty bad but the plot regarding Quiet was actually good.  It's not for everybody but I like well done greasy cheese.

9.  Her character for gameplay is a mixed bag.  Self promote for Reviewwwwww

10.  If you are one of those weirdos who comment on Jim Sterling's video or Angry Joe's review whining about artistic integrity or freedom of speech or SJW's are feminazing games into a new world order just stop.  Realize you're fucking toddlers who need their bottle mmkay?  Just because mommy didn't love you enough doesn't mean you need to hate everybody who gives the slightest of shits what women feel.  Maybe try to give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes?  No, that doesn't mean they are always right, but respect their opinion even if it's wrong and maybe you'll see we are all human....you idiots.

There will ALWAYS be a game for you BTW.  First rule of business, and video games are a business unless you forgot, "if there is a market, somebody will cater to it".  Besides, mobile games have done FAR more damage to your worldview than any SJW.

"BUT THIS IS MALE OBJECTIFICATION".  Cause women dig dudes covered in blood, I guess.

And for the SJW's, please regard context.  Quiet making you angry?  That's fine.  Not everything is going to be catered to your taste.  May I recommend Mass Effect or Dragon Age?  I agree that we need better female/non-white/gay/trans/Krogan representation in video games and not just as sex symbols like...Quiet?  Even though, it's possible, the most interesting thing about her was not her boobs.  Let's tone it down a bit.  The Internet makes us look one dimensional, but that is rarely the case.  

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In conclusion, Quiet is whatever.  Good character with a stupid design.  And hey, you know what, that is just my opinion.  If you are angry at anything I said, maybe stop taking every review of everything as THE OPINION OF EVERYBODY.  That....is the root of YOUR problem.  There is no such thing as an "objective review" you fool. 

Likewise, my review of you is I love you.  Thank you for reading!

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General MGS V: TPP review is here.

Follow me on Twitter so you can tell me how wrong I am.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain Review

I've always been a fan of the Metal Gear Solid franchise.  These games are sort of their own genre because there is nothing else in gaming quite like them.  They're basically a mash up of two of my favorite things; stealth action games and B-movie storytelling.  Well, it may not be like a cheesy Hong Kong Kung Fu film (I miss Jackie Chan), but nothing is perfect.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is still one of these things and is decent at the other thing until the second half.  Luckily this entry brought in one of my other favorite things (sorta) by making the game with "RPG elements", although seemingly every game now can claim to have ""RPG Elements"".   Another thing every game has now is open worlds, which I think will be every AAA game from now until the heat death of the universe.  But as far as action stealth mechanics go, MGSV might be the best stealth game I've ever played.

I'm not kidding. While the original Metal Gear Solid may have revolutionized and sort of invented the way we see stealth games, MGSV lives up to its history and surpasses it.  Every small mechanic that I've ever seen in a stealth game is here*, plus some new ones.  Throw an empty magazine to distract a guard.  Move slower and lower to make yourself harder to detect.  Hide in tall grass, in dumpsters, in porta-potties.  Stealth takedowns can kill or knock out an enemy, or, you can interrogate him, or, you can hold up an enemy by sneaking up with your weapon raised, or, you can wait for nightfall to be harder to detect, or, you can wait for a sandstorm which drastically reduces visibility, or, rainfall to mask your steps, or, hide in a cardboard box, or...or...or...

*I lied a little here.  MGS V does not have disguises like the Hitman series does but those are too stupid for Metal Gear Solid.  I repeat, those are too stupid for Metal Gear Solid.  Hitman is stupid.

The other half of a good stealth game, the enemy AI, is also really, really good.  There is a new reflex system that when an enemy sees you, you get a slow-mo effect for about 5 seconds so you can try and take him out before he alerts the entire base.  Using a non-silenced weapon will screw you here anyway, but it's a clever way to keep in stealth mode without having to fight a base on full alert.  It's such an easy fix to a long standing problem in stealth games that it seems stupid to call it innovative but it weirdly is.  You get one more chance to stay in stealth mode instead of being severely punished for one little mistake.  Likewise, you can always run and hide if enemies are on full alert.  If they lose sight of you, they well enter search mode.  If they still can't find you, they will return back to low alert.

"I'm sure he just left the area because we are so badass.  Just gonna return to guard duty."

While enemy AI will occasionally be stupid, like not being able to see you when they should, they sometimes see you from a mile away making this one of the harder games to always go full stealth. It's okay though because even if you don't like stealth games, the shooting mechanics are...better.

Yes, for the first time in MGS history, you have the option to go in guns-a-blazin without it being impossibly hard.  All the noisy lethal weapons get used quite a bit.  I personally think that the times when I fail at stealth and everything goes to shit is some of the best times in this game.  Do I run/hide or do I shoot it out?  I've used both depending on the shit I'm in and the game is remarkably good at it.

Nobody here.  Might as well waltz right in.

Still though, shooting from cover is weird.  It's too easy to shoot into the cover you are behind even though you're aiming above it, if that makes sense.  It's best to just back slightly off of cover to fix this problem but it seems like a weird lack of polish on the mechanics here.  It's not a major issue, but worth mentioning.

Most of how you plan your attack is through your iDroid (nice one Kojima *rolls eyes*) and through your binoculars.  You can mark targets from a distance which always stay on your HUD, unless you get too far away, which eliminates the need for a mini-map like previous games.  The iDroid has your map, which is very active with things you have marked, showing their approximate location or exact location depending on your intel.  You also use your iDroid for all sorts of other stuff (which I'll get too).  Using both of these tools allows you to plan your moves with an impressive amount of detail, as well as be your support system.

There are SO many options that the """RPG elements""" activated from the iDriod seem to borrow from every game ever.  Have the wrong equipment for a mission? Request a supply drop to change your loadout at a specific point on the map.  Want a new weapon or item?  Select R&D from the iDroid.  Need a helicopter to pick you up? Select a drop point.  Need a different buddy (more on them later)? Request one from the iDroid.  Want to say "fuck this shit" and just napalm a village? Request fire support from the iDroid.

Fuck alllllll this noise

Yes.  This game has air strikes and they rule.  Well, you can't get an S rank with one (the flare grenade which calls in your helicopter to minigun everybody also affects this) but seriously getting S ranks are hard as balls and only for perfectionists.

Also from the iDroid, you can build up Motherbase, which is basically the Normandy of this Mass Effect game only shitty.  You can build up your base with money and resources earned/collected on missions and side ops.  You also build up the soldiers for the Diamond Dogs mercenary group you control.  The soldiers can be prisoners you rescue, or random soldiers that you whisk away with a Fulton balloon which is never not funny.*  Motherbase is the home of the """"RPG elements"""" and you need to go there every once in a while to wash blood off and raise morale because I guess my mercenaries miss me...which reminds me, I need to call my mother.

*I don't know where else to put this but the Fulton system is great. You can tie a balloon to people, gear, materials, and goddamn tanks to be taken to Motherbase and used for future missions.  It's awesome.....oh and also you can capture live animals with it because for some reason Motherbase has your own personal zoo.  I repeat, this game gives you a personal zoo because Kojima is a crazy person.

Motherbase itself is actually really big (not at first but you build it up) and really boring.  There is almost nothing to do there.  You can't even visit major secondary characters for some reason, other than Quiet who does nothing but sunbathes where there is no sunlight (more on her later).  Yeah, you can do some shooting gallery things but whoopie de fucking do.  A lot of wasted potential here.

WHY IS THIS HUGE AREA HERE WITH NOTHING TO DO?

One thing I absolutely have to mention is the squad missions, which remind me of the war table missions from Dragon Age: Inquisition.  You can send your combat unit to do random missions in god knows where, that run in real time, and provide you with personnel/material/money/etc.  What is odd, is that the game says the rewards are not good, the game outright says this, yet I found these rewards to be much better than what I got in DA:I.  It's weird.  Also, there are some that are harder and give you a tactical advantage like sending your guys out to destroy some warehouses so that enemies in an area don't have body armor.  This is closer to what the war table should have been in DA:I and what I HOPE the rumored "war table like thing" in Mass Effect: Andromeda works.

The final gameplay thing I have to talk about (told you, SO MANY features) is the buddy system.  You accumulate them over time if you choose to do so and sort of gives you a party like another """""RPG element""""".  One is D-Horse, who does horse things and can poop on command.  One is D-Dog, who is my favorite even though he gets in the way at times but makes up for it by being a double for Snake so that you can take down two enemies at the same time.  One is a mini-walker that I never use cause it's stupid.  And the last one is the controversial sniper support, Quiet.

Quiet is a mixed bag*.  Super useful on some missions and annoying on others.  She basically sends an entire enemy unit on alert by providing covering fire for when you get spotted.  You can request her to take out a specific target but even then, the enemies are alerted to a sniper.  It's good for a distraction as they pay attention to her and not you, but it doesn't always seem to work right.  Also, she hums a 10 second long looping musical track that gets REALLY ANNOYING really fast.  She is, however, one of only a handful of boss battles and a good one at that. You have to beat her before she can join you, kinda like a Pokemon.

*About her nakedness....I'll save it for another blogpost.  I don't have a whole lot to say about it actually but I don't want to go on a long-ish tangent here.  I'll just say that a) her character is actually really interesting and a shame that it's overshadowed by b) the justification for her going into battle wearing a bikini being ridiculous, for now.  I don't think it's that big of a deal, but it is stupid.

The games presentation is great.  The Fox Engine is amazing.  For you sticklers out there, NO frame rate drops and consistently runs at 60FPS.  The musical score is outstanding as usual but this entry is the first to also use licensed music, which you can play at anytime while stealthing or fighting.  Granted, you have to collect tapes to do so, but they are not too hard to find.  Luckily, you get this sweet David Bowie cover automatically.

Amazing intro sequence with this song.

The open world is a bit restrictive....which I know I'm in the minority but like in an open world game.  Lots of cliffs make paths more like corridors, though some areas are more open than others.  It's open world-ish.

But like every goddamn open world game, the side quests vastly outnumber the main story missions.  I'd prefer something like 60/40 with main story being the majority, but can I at least get 50/50?  Ever?!?  There are about 40-ish missions but only about half directly involve the main story.  10-ish directly relate to character development and the Diamond Dogs, which is very Mass Effect 2 and I love those, but at least another 10-ish are random bullshit like tutorials.  Then, there are OVER 100 side opts which are 10 rescue the prisoner missions, or, 10 assassinate this dude missions, or, 10 destroy these tanks missions, or, 10 eliminate this squad missions, or, 10 extract this enemy missions, or.....Every review that said the side quests are not repetitive is lying.  This is yet another """""RPG element"""""" that this game borrowed but this one really should not have been.  I don't care if it makes the game shorter.  Make side quests interesting PLEASE!  ANYBODY!  Can I have one fucking open world game that has a "TON OF CONTENT" actually have content that is worth a damn???????

As for the story....well, the story of MGS V is worse than any of them, and I LIKE MGS's story.  It takes place in the 1980's, so in the middle of the MGS timeline.  It's after MGS: Ground Zeroes (which I did not play but has a Bioware like save upload thing), and more importantly, MGS3: Snake Eater.  Snake is Big Boss in this game.  The main story is about revenge against another mercenary group named Cipher and XOF.  Both groups are kinda sorta the same thing but not entirely because one has Zero involved (the MAIN secret villain over all of MGS even though he is kinda sympathetic and whatever) and the other doesn't but they ARE kind of the same thing........

Hey.  I said I like the story but I like shitty, melodramatic, and very, VERY convoluted B-movies so....to each their own.  MGS is no exception.  It's just like those movies only with an insanely higher budget.  Kojima loves plot twists and addressing plot holes....with more plot holes.  Again, he is a crazy person.

The storytelling is where this game really takes a turn away from the previous games.  Don't what to play a Metal Gear Solid game because you hate cutscenes in video games?  Well, this one has hardly any!!!! The first mission is cutscene heavy and linear as hell, also long as hell, but once you get into the open world stuff 2 hours later....you get a handful of cutscenes.  None of those cutscenes are all that long either. Nothing like the notoriously long, epic cutscene at the end of MGS4: Guns of the Patriots exists in this game.  Diehards may hate this, I KINDA HATE IT because this is Metal Gear Solid damnit, but people scared off from the series due to the cutscenes shouldn't be anymore.

From MGS4: Guns of the Patriots.

I know what this means but out of context sounds dumb as hell.

Almost all of the backstory is told through audio tapes which is soooooo boring.  If there is one gripe I have with Bioshock, it's popularizing the audio log idea. At least you have to find those though.  In MGS V, they're just given to you periodically.  Why in the hell didn't they make Motherbase more like the Normandy in ME?  Go home, talk to your people, have backstory explained organically.  Audio logs, even in Bioshock, are cold.  They have to be presented in a very specific way to be interesting.

The open world nature didn't actually hurt the narrative all that much, what hurt the narrative is the fact that this game takes place in the middle of the MGS timeline.  Prequels never have good endings, and without spoiling anything, this one doesn't either.  Yeah, this story has just as many Kojima plot twists and it's convoluted as all hell, but it lacks the punch other MGS titles had.  No MGS story in any of the games make any goddamn sense, but they are entertaining as hell and are narratively solid.  There is a good story told with every bad storytelling convention ever used.  It's an anomaly, and obviously, not for everybody.  MGS stories are a weird mix of serious and silly that....I haven't really seen in any work of fiction.  Not at this level of weirdness anyway.

Again.  You can tie balloons to sheep in this game.

And what makes me really, really sad, is the story was likely a lot better.  It's rumored that MGSV has a ton of cut content, almost all of it story related in the second half of the game.  Is...is it possible, that Konami cut story crucial content for DLC?????  I mean, Konami has already advertised horse armor DLC and no I'm not kidding that is a thing-where-is-the-self-awareness-or-awareness-of-their-industry-or-any-fucking-thing-holy-fucking-shit.  YOU DON'T DO THAT KONAMI.  You don't fucking save half the story for DLC.  You've already killed my Silent Hills dreams Konami.  Don't do this to me.  You used to be great.  What....like, what happened to you?  Who hurt you?  Have fun being a company that makes slot machines I guess.

I will fucking quit buying AAA games if slicing off story for DLC becomes a trend.  EA already did that TWICE with Mass Effect (Javik and Leviathan.  Both are story critical that should have been included in the main game) and I don't play it, but it seems like Bungie has done that with Destiny as well.  This is unacceptable for any story driven game but it seems even more egregious with Metal Gear Solid since it's story has always been a big part of the fun.

Apparently, I'm the only person who thinks story matters in games that bother to have one.  (Obviously, I'm not going to say Tetris is terrible because it doesn't have a story.  If a game has a story, make it.....at least decent or fun).  How in the hell this game got perfect scores in almost every review is stupid as hell.  The gameplay is FANTASTIC, but this is Metal Gear Solid and goddamnit I want my stupid, stupid epic story.  Why was this """""""RPG element""""""" ignored?

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Overall, Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is still a great game.  It has, since the original, the best gameplay of the series.  It's presentation is great even though there is some wonky stuff here or there.  The story is okay in general, terrible in the 2nd half, and I'd argue BAD for a MGS game mostly because the story is told so poorly.

It's been a long time since I played the original Metal Gear Solid, but MGSV might be better.  MIGHT BE,  Hard to tell.  When a classic game franchise is perfected in so many categories except for story, how do you know?  Regardless, this is Hideo Kojima's swan song to MGS and I'm not sure Kojima can do much better.

Give this game a play.  You'll probably like it, but even if you don't, you'll know you experienced something unlike any other game...except for other Metal Gear Solid games, with less """""""RPG elements""""""".

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One last thing.  Hideo Kojima is the man.  A crazy man, but THE man.  Despite Konami firing him and removing his name from the title (It is not a "Hideo Kojima Game" except it is), he still promotes the game, wants people to play it, and is just a super cool dude.  For every Metal Gear Solid release since the 2nd one, he would go to a game store in Japan and sign copies of the game for fans.  It was promoted by Konami and usually had huge lines.  This time, he had already been fired from Konami, but you know what he did?....

He walked into several stores on release day, completely unannounced like some random customer and signed copies for random people buying the game.  Since there was no big event, he chatted with them too in a more "I'm just hanging with my people nonchalantly" way.  Cool as fuck.

We will see more Kojima games, I'm sure.  It's too bad Metal Gear Solid will never be the same, and almost certainly awful, without him.*

*Just do something new bro.  Please.  Every other jilted developer seems to just want to launch a Kickstarter to make the exact same type of game they became famous for only under a different name.  Mighty No. 9, Bloodstained, whatever the hell the Bioshock people are working on that looks exactly like Bioshock.  Just get weird with it dude.

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Fuck Konami.

Follow me on Twitter.

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How I Would Change the Ending to Mass Effect 3 (Part 3: Addressing the Plot Holes)

Authors note:  Real life bullshit kind of slowed my Mass Effect posts down so I didn't get everything written in August that I wanted to.  BUT, I hope to have two more posts in the relative future, luckily I do this for fun and not as a job otherwise I would be SO fired by now.

One will be an epic, 10,000 word novel e-mail exchange with AJ about all the little stuff we didn't cover this month.  There will be a lot of gushing but we will give some opinions on the negatives as well.  Expect that when we feel like being done.

The second is a hard one to write because it will be the most personal thing I've ever written on this blog.  I have started it 3 times only to delete it.  It will be about how Mass Effect saved my love of gaming as well as....how it helped me with depression.  I want to write this.  I'm just not sure how yet.  Maybe in a few months it will be up.

ANYWAY:  TO THE TOPIC AT HAND.

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I highly recommend reading part 1 and especially part 2 if you haven't already.  Otherwise, this won't make any sense.  

Since I got absolutely ZERO questions about my ending, thanks a lot dicks, I came up with ten questions a reader might hypothetically have.

1.  "If you make the right choices in the Earth Mission, shouldn't you have a bunch of people to take on Harbinger?"

Yep!  Aaaand it's something I didn't think about.  So to fix it, say there is a short cutscene where Shepard and Anderson decide to climb inside Harbinger with just their two teams while all the rest of the forces that made it there set up defenses to hold back a Reaper counter-offensive.  There.  Fixed.

2. "I get Harbinger wanting to use the Crucible as a Reaper weapon, but why bother considering the risk?  Wouldn't the Reapers win without it anyway?"

I'm banking on the Reapers arrogance here. Think of what Sovereign says in ME1 about their intelligence being on a level that is incomprehensible to the races in the galaxy, "I am beyond your comprehension", and so on.  Harbinger, knowing that he has control of the Illusive Man, doesn't even think failure is an option.  The Illusive Man is convinced he is doing this for the betterment of mankind, when in reality, he is just Harbingers stooge.  (Also, remember Harbinger needs a human to use the Crucible at all).

When Shepard makes it inside Harbinger, Harbinger tries to use indoctrination to stop Shepard. Once the Illusive Man is killed/shoots himself, Harbinger then tries to use indoctrination on a wounded Shepard to complete the task.

3. "Yeah, wait. Why does Harbinger need a human again?"

It's said many times in the game that by using the Mass Relays, as well as all Mass Effect technology, that races are using the technology of the Leviathans/Reapers.  The Crucible should be technology that is completely independent of the Reapers.  There would probably have to be some minor dialogue changes throughout Mass Effect 3 concerning the Crucible, but it should be doable in theory.  It will kind of be like why a MacBook shouldn't be able to communicate with the alien mothership in Independence Day.  Harbinger needs an indoctrinated human, or any other race really, because he cannot control it without an intermediary.

4. "About that Reaper motive.  Evolution wouldn't make the thrall races of the Leviathans into Leviathans.  What did you mean by those races not reaching their apex?"

While the Leviathans consider themselves the apex of evolution, they want all their thrall races to become more self reliant while still basically being slaves.  They want their thrall races to reach their apex so that they can be the best slaves, so to speak.  They are not expecting them to magically turn into Leviathans, defying all evolutionary science.

This, I hope, would also drive home the point of the Reapers arrogance.  The Leviathans are also arrogant and never realized that by forcing these races into slavery was the very reason they stopped evolving on a desired path.  (This is over millions of years BTW, so evolution can absolutely be a motive here).


5. "Why exactly does the Leviathan AI rebel?"

In my version, the Leviathans have no qualms with using AI.  This AI is made specifically to figure out why the thrall races are not evolving on a desired path.  I assume, these races would still create AI, like they do in the real version.  The Leviathan AI sees this, claims organics are not integrating or incorporating or whatever Sci-Fi nonsense you want to use, with their AI's correctly.  Because of this flaw, the Leviathan AI concludes that this is why the thrall races are not reaching their apex, and comes up with a plan.  That plan, is the Reapers.

The Leviathans balk at the plan because this means they too have not reached their apex, nor are they the perfect beings in existence.  They try to shut down the AI, then....

6.  "So, WHY is Harbinger?"

I made a mistake here so lets fix this too.

One Leviathan, a single scientist, likes what the AI has to offer and agrees to "merge" with it.  By doing so, Harbinger becomes the first Reaper and infects all the other Leviathan computers with the AI code to start the war.  It uses the Leviathan artifacts (those orb things) and other technology to indoctrinate the thrall races and lead them in overthrowing the Leviathans and processing them into more Reapers.  A tiny number escape of course, but the Leviathans stay arrogant as ever by claiming the war isn't a mistake because a single Leviathan agreed with the AI......or something.

7.  "Why the cycle?"

For the same reason as before only now it's not to stop organics from killing themselves with AI.  Now it's because those organics that use Reaper technology (Mass Effect tech, Mass Relays, etc.) are the best suited to be processed into new Reapers.  The Reapers wait for organics to prove they are worthy.

(I know this makes the Reapers less altruistic, but it makes them more evil and keeps their sense of god-like superiority.  I never liked the altruistic nature of the Reapers anyway.  I like this line from Sovereign, "We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution.  You exist because we allow it.  And you will end because we demand it." It sounds far less like the Reapers are secretly wanting to help everybody and more like forcing everybody into their goals.  The Reapers are better villains when they stick to this kind of writing.)

8.  "Those 3 choices are still dumb."

I know.

9.  "How do you NOT choose one of them."

It's easy.  When the game leaves the conversation scene, simply walk back up to the star child and choose the right dialogue options.  It'll be an option like, "Something doesn't feel right about this", for example.  From there, you can press the issue until an option comes up where Shepard realizes that he/she is being indoctrinated and that all of this is some sort of dream.  I wouldn't make this THAT hard, maybe only three dialogue choices in or so.

10.  "Doesn't this ending have the same problem with being impossible to continue?"

Well it hasn't stopped EA/Bioware from working around the existing ending for Mass Effect:Andromeda (putting the next game in a different galaxy is a great way to get around that problem but shitty because all the established races should be back home.  If I find out the Asari has been in Andromeda for hundreds of years in secret I'm going to fucking riot!).  I didn't really make up this ending as a way to make ME4 in the Milky Way make sense, knowing entire races may or may not exist in the future.

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And since I have no where else to put this, I really don't know what to think about the future of Mass Effect.  There will be another post about this topic, but for now, the trilogy should be considered it's own thing, ending be whatever.  I'm confident Mass Effect:Andromeda will be great......wait no I'm not.  It looks like fucking Dragon Age:Inquisition, a good but heavily flawed game.  Shit.

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Future links to remaining Mass Effect posts will be updated here if I remember or give a shit months from now.

How I Would Change the Ending to Mass Effect 3 (Part 2: My Solutions)

See Part 1 here.

Another spoiler warning.  While this is "head-canon" territory, I will have to reference the actual ending.  Leviathan DLC spoilers are in here as well.

Assuming Direct Control of this ending

With this alternate, hypothetical ending, I fix my two main gripes while also making the ending better overall. This is TL;DR territory but I hope you give this a chance.  Assume certain things about the ending are the same but here is the 8 steps I would take to make this a better ending. 

Step 1: Change the Catalyst to Harbinger

While not a huge gripe with me, I didn't like that the Citadel is the catalyst.  I basically called that at the beginning of the game, along with I assume, everybody else who played the game.  Why use the Citadel again when the Citadel was the MacGuffin for the first ME?  

The easy fix is, make the catalyst Harbinger.  After having a huge part in ME2, he (it) is barely in ME3.  Sure, he became something of a punchline with his taunts in ME2, but it's weird to have him featured so little in the finale.  He doesn't need to talk much, plus he'd be a better surprise than the Citadel.  He's already mentioned a few times early in ME3 so he already has proper foreshadowing.  You can even explain this as Harbinger having the "master Reaper code" or some shit because he is the original Reaper and why he is needed for the Crucible to only target Reapers.  

I am aware that my solution is cliche but it's still better.  And hey, I said easy fix.

Step 2: Make the Final Mission More Like the Suicide Mission

And maybe add a little color.

While this doesn't address my two main gripes in part 1, and the Earth mission is pretty good as is, it is still a let down after the great ending to Mass Effect 2.  ME3 does not have the same style of build up for its final mission, so it was going to be a let down regardless.  Still though, the final mission could be better.

Instead of choosing squadmates to do specific tasks, how about choosing what war assets to use at certain points.  Say you have Harbinger surrounded on Earth and he's trying to process humans faster because he really, really, hates Shepard or something....whatever....just a reason for him to be on the ground.  Harbinger has now replaced the conduit since the Citadel is no longer necessary and he takes the role of the defending Reaper the missiles are used on.  Reaper forces have built up strong defenses to defend Harbinger, so Anderson brings Shepard in to talk over the assault.

Since there are SO many war assets in this game, lets say you get to pick TWO for each choice.  Here are some examples of what that could be like:

• Say the north approach to Harbinger is wide open with little cover and has a lot of Brutes and Banshees.  Who do you want to send?  The Krogan forces right!  And who better to send with them than the Turians who now have experience fighting alongside them and are the second best at handling a fight like that.  The Geth would be good at this too since they seem to shy away from cover anyway.
• Maybe the eastern approach is impassible except through some buildings with a lot of tech issues....choose the Quarians/Geth.  Both though?  Hmmm, maybe there is still some bad blood there and some friendly fire may turn this to shit.  Maybe choose one and the Shadow Broker team or the Spectre unit.  Even Salarian STG.
• Maybe the western approach has a lot of narrow corridors, perfect for Asari commandos and their biotic barriers.  Jack and her students could get used there too.   
• Say there is a air strike squad to distract Harbinger like on the Tuchanka mission.  You can choose a slew of fighter ship assets.   
• Finally, I would do a support squad who maybe take positions atop the buildings as sniper/artillery support.  The Turians would probably be best for this but Salarian STG would be good too.  (I'm ignoring the main Salarian forces because you can only get them by sabotaging the Genophage Cure and fuck that).  The assets you choose for the support role will boost the ratings of the other forces and help determine if anybody dies.

Obviously, Shepard and crew would take the southern approach, maybe along with whatever leftovers and the humans (obvs).  Choose poorly, and former squadmates will die.  Maybe Kasumi is helping with the tech approach, for example.  Jack is with the biotics.  Grunt with the Krogans, and so on.  Pick really poorly and current squadmates die.  I don't really know what to do with the ones you don't choose to go with Shepard, (lead the other squads maybe) but I would have liked to see them be extra friendly AI on Shepards approach.  Maybe you can't control them, just the two you pick, but at least they are there participating.  Maybe they even get a few kills.*

*I have my doubts the game would run well with that many allies and enemies with Shepard in the area but this is all hypothetical anyway.  

This makes the finale so much more like the Suicide Mission.  Everyone is involved, your final choices could get people killed, and just....SOOO much epicness would happen.  Man....I want this.

Step 3:  Add a Harbinger Section

It can be similar to this but not dead.

Once you reach Harbinger, who is knocked out but not dead from the missiles at the end of the Earth mission, you need to kill some time so...Collectors!  Why not fight a handful?  I highly doubt a spacefaring species would have EVERY SINGLE MEMBER in one location.  A few Collectors are probably still alive, only as Harbingers personal black ops squad or something.  Also note, I am eliminating the run to the conduit entirely.

During this brief mission, Harbinger wakes up and starts flying toward the Crucible.  Everyone is wondering what the hell he is doing but continue on mission soldier!

But here is where we smartly change the rules.  Say there is a cutscene and a Collector rushes the squad out of nowhere.  You shoot him, but only after hitting the Paragon interrupt....that's weird.  Shouldn't it be Renegade?  Anyway, you come up on something, maybe a weird door and Shep starts talking to Garrus and a Renegade interrupt pops up.  You hit it, thinking maybe Shep will just break the door down, but no, HE/SHE TRIES TO SHOOT GARRUS but luckily misses.  After each of these. that weird headache wah-wah sound effect happens as well as the "squiggly lines" that happen in the current ending but only after each interrupt......

This sound effect was weirdly hard to find.

While it's obviously not canon, I'm talking about the excellent fan theory, the Indoctrination Theory.  It's a pity Bioware didn't do something like this because it would have been obvious to end with.  While Shepard and the crew is travelling up Harbinger, in a last ditch effort, Harbinger is attempting to do the fast indoctrination on the squad.  You can even have cutscenes where the squad is out of character or even try to kill Shepard.  That said, the game should not OUT RIGHT say Harbinger is attempting to do this.  The player should figure this out on their own with the clues the game drops.

Also, have Anderson lead a 2nd team in there (maybe NOW the mistakes in the previous section kill characters?) with more hints about indoctrination.  Maybe he radios Shepard about James trying to cha-cha with a Collector or something.  

Not sure how to end this section, maybe a crappy boss fight?  Maybe it's Harbingers core or something, I dunno.  It's the part I have the most trouble with.  Either way, this MUST end with Harbinger connecting with the Crucible.

Also, Shepard and Anderson get severely wounded from an explosion or something.  The rest of the crew says their goodbyes and Shepard tells them he/she will finish the job.  The reasoning is that being inside of Harbinger when the Crucible goes off probably isn't too safe.  

Step 4:  Illusive Man 

This can be virtually identical only now it takes place in Harbinger....near the top, I suppose.  Anderson still dies I guess.  You can still maybe shoot the Illusive Man or talk him into shooting himself.  Whatever.

At this point, Harbinger is docked with the Crucible.  The game drops a few hints that the obviously indoctrinated Illusive Man was there to do something on a control panel....but what, the player doesn't know yet.

Shepard passes out from his injury and starts the Star Child sequence the same.

Step 5:  Star Child and The New Reaper Motive

I am indifferent to the Star Child as a thing.  It's okay I guess.  Now though, we can use the Star Child as a manifestation of Harbinger since his indoctrination attempts means he has read Shepards mind.  Shepard is speaking to Harbinger but isn't aware yet.

So evil.

Here, the Star Child explains to Shepard what the Reapers are and why they are doing this.  This is where I change one of my two main gripes.  The Leviathan DLC should be INCLUDED in the main game to help explain this too.

In the Leviathan DLC, the Leviathans explain that they created the Reapers.  Yes, yes, that is the same, but here I run with their big deal of being the apex race, as in the apex of evolution.  

The Leviathans controlled the galaxy and enthralled all the lesser races, but over time, they determined those other races were not reaching their apex of evolution fast enough or progressing correctly or whatever.  So they had top Leviathan scientists look into it and to help them, they created an AI to watch over every race in the galaxy.  After a while, they asked the AI why other races were not catching up to them.  The AI concluded that they are incapable of reaching their apex and that EVEN THE LEVIATHANS are not the "apex of evolution".  The Leviathans ask the AI what is the apex, the AI describes something like a Reaper, the Leviathans attempt to shut the AI down, it then goes to war killing off the Leviathans and so on.  

The Star Child (Harbinger) explains that the Reapers are the apex of evolution and monitor the advanced races of the galaxy.  If they are not progressing in a way that makes them LIKE Reapers, they are destroyed.  The Reaper motive is about evolution now.  No more "we don't want you to get killed by synthetics so we created synthetics bullshit."  Sure, this is another rogue AI story now, but at least the motive is unique.  A rogue AI that monitors evolution?  Shit man.  Hire me now Hollywood.

......wait.

Step 6:  The New Choices

For shits and giggles, lets just keep the choices to the main 3 but with several tweaks.  And for the record, I would get rid of the refusal ending entirely....because it's kind of important in my completely different version.

The Star Child (Harbinger) would explain all three endings the same only now the "headache wah wah sound effect" and those "squiggly lines" would happen after questioning him.  Shepard is still unaware that he/she is being indoctrinated but dialogue choices should sound skeptical of the Star Child.

Then the Star Child explains the hidden 4th choice that violently murders every puppy in the Galaxy.

If the player chooses one of these, the indoctrination will have worked.  

• The Destroy (red) Ending now has the crucible target all organics. With the Geth alone, they don't last much longer and are destroyed or assimilated as well.  Everyone dies.  Bad ending.
• The Control (blue) Ending now is reversed with the Crucible letting the Reapers control every human.  Shepard and every human squadmate turns against their allies.  Maybe a cool cutscene happens in the Normandy with the humans turning on the alien squadmates but they escape. The rest of the aliens in the Galaxy continue the war but over time they eventually lose just like the Protheans.  Maybe we get a few more cutscenes of characters going out in a blaze of glory/desperation
• The Synthesis (green) Ending lets the Reapers control everyone. It ends the war right there.  Maybe we get a cutscene with Shepard and friends living out the rest of their lives, waiting to be processed, with a narration talking about how they have accepted their fates and how the Reapers are actually correct and blah blah blah.  

Step 7: The Bittersweet Ending

Or, if the player realizes they're being tricked, they can refuse to do any of those choices.  Shepard questions the Star Child more and uses dialogue like "something isn't right here", "why should I trust you?" and "(confused muttering)".  Shepard then can have another dialogue boss fight, similar to the Illusive Man one, and break free from the indoctrination.  Shepard snaps out of the dream conversation with the Star Child to find him/herself just about to push a button on that same control panel The Illusive Man was going to use!  

Shepard realizes the plot twist that Harbinger was going to use the Crucible against the races of the Galaxy, but needed a human to change the controls because the Crucible was built by Humans and others and what not.  By doing nothing, the Crucible charges up, and targets only the Reapers now that it has uploaded the master Reaper code from Harbinger.  Bam!

The Crucible fires, killing Reapers throughout the Galaxy just like in the destroy ending but this time doesn't destroy the Mass Relays cause that plot hole was not necessary.  However, as Harbinger too starts dying, Shepard races to an escape pod, or, one of those Reaper fighter "jet" things you see in cutscenes and during the suicide mission of ME2.  

In this ending, Shepard dies.  He/she makes the escape pod but succumbs to his/her injury.  The Normandy finds the pod but he/she is just a corpse upon arrival.  There is a funeral scene, then the slideshow still happens showing all your choices affects on the galaxy.  Then it cuts back to a sombre party with the crew as they await the unveiling of a Shepard statue on the Citadel.  The end.

Kind of like this but without the gasp.  

Step 8:  The Good Ending

Or Shepard survives!

I'm not sure what the criteria for this should be but I think using the choices in the final Earth mission is a good idea.  Get a certain number of characters killed, Shepard dies.  If you only get a few characters killed, or all of them survive, Shepard lives.  I'm open to other options on this though.  Maybe you have to make specific dialogue choices in your final talk with Star Child?  

Anyway, Joker fears the worst but notices only one Reaper signal remains on the censors.  They fly up to the escape pod, open it, and find a barely alive Shepard.  -Cut-.

One month later or so, we see the Citadel Council talk about rebuilding efforts as well as (choices dependent) the Krogan, Quarians, Geth and so on getting embassies on the Citadel as well as opening the council up to every race.  Maybe they say something smart-assed like, "I wish Shepard was here to help us" only to keep the suspense going.  Then, the slideshow happens.  

Afterward, we see the crew having a sombre party just like the bittersweet ending only this time, the camera pans up to see a statue of Anderson (!!), then you hear Shepard say, "he was like a father to me", then the camera turns around and shows him/her still in bandages and putting his/her arm around the romance option character. Credits (skippable).  

In only this ending, you get a long after credits scene where a now fully healed Shepard has a joyful party with the crew, ending with a kiss to the romance option on some balcony overlooking a beautiful night sky and holy shit I'm going to Starbucks to write this screenplay.

"Then Shepard, Master Chief, and Batman stepped inside the Bang Bus......"

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I love this idea and wish it was real.  The Reapers motive is no longer stupid and based on flawed logic.  The choices are now a ruse.  A game that made player choice a big deal suddenly uses an in canon reason to not trust any choice and forces you into an ending that is essentially more linear,* but would be better received across the board.  And this alternative ending isn't even entirely my own idea since I borrow heavily from the Indoctrination Fan Theory (which again, is not true....but damn is it clever).  

*I know some people will bitch here but come on.  What did you expect from Bioware?  For them to make 67 totally different 50 minute long ending scenes?  That is not going to happen.  I like the idea of changing the rules this time.  Indoctrination, plus giving you choices but all of them are bad, and the only way to win is to choose no choice.  It makes narrative sense.  

I'm planning on a part 3 of this series but I need your help.  I assume my alternate, hypothetical ending still has big plot questions that haven't fully been solved or explained so I'd like you to ask me.  Either in the comments below or on Twitter, ask me a question you have regarding this ending.  I'll probably think of some questions of my own too, but I'll include yours and mine in the next part and try to answer them the best I can.  Uh....hopefully you read this far.

Part 3 is now up.  

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Part 1 is here.  

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