How I Would Change the Ending to Mass Effect 3 (Part 1: What My Main Complaints Are)

Spoiler Warning for the end of the entire Mass Effect trilogy, as well as some major Leviathan DLC spoilers further on.

The Extended Cut fixed a lot.

First off, let me just say that I don't hate Mass Effect 3's ending as much as some do on the internet.  For a frankly odd number of people, the ending to ME3 made the entire series dead in their eyes.  Uh, why?  Did these people never hear the phrase "It's about the journey, not the destination"?  The ending isn't THAT bad....but it's still pretty awful.

Before writing my awesome ending idea (IT is awesome.  You will nod in approval), I must address the controversial ending that shouldn't even be controversial.  We SHOULD be debating how Shepard got brought back to life in ME2 and how that technically makes him a zombie but no.  The ending to ME3 is the hot topic despite the fact that the conduit is fine if not outright stupid if you get nitpicky, the talk with the Illusive Man is good, and even the Star Child's existence is acceptable even though that is weirdly Final Fantasy for Mass Effect to do.  No, my beef is with two points.

1.  The Final Choices

This doesn't look good.

While I didn't NEED a happy ending, after 120 hours.....why not?  I know the perfect happy ending is cliche, but it's now a cliche to purposely NOT have it.  Regardless, I expected several bittersweet ending choices but the bitter far outweighed the sweet.

The destroy (red) ending is weirdly the closest to what the Shepard character wanted despite it being a token ending, excluding the dumb refusal ending that is utter bullshit.  This ending is fine, UNLESS you went to the trouble of brokering peace between the Quarians and the Geth.  This ending doesn't just kill all the Reapers, but it ends all synthetic life including the Geth.  What was the point in spending a third of the game to broker that peace if it was going to get wiped out in one fell swoop?  Bittersweet ending?  I just committed genocide!

The control (blue) ending is super weird.  Shepard's conscience controls the Reaper code and AHHHHH why?  While uploading a conscience into some uber-super computer seems plausible in the future, there is no reason for the Reapers to not have some sort of fail safe to kick the motherfucker out.  "Yeah, you can control all the Reapers until you do thing X then BOOM.  Deleted".  Not just that but why would the Reapers allow Shepard to do this?  Just because he/she got closer than anybody to destroying them or some shit?  That's dumb as hell.  Also, this ending makes the Illusive Man right so fuck this.

Because reasons.

The synthesis (green) ending is supposedly the best ending but in my opinion, it's the worst one of the 3.  I disagree with other Mass Effect fans about this ending making Saren right, but it does fly in the face of what the ENTIRE Mass Effect trilogy was building philosophically.  The entire series was exploring, with degrees of subtlety, how diversity is GOOD.  In ME1, diversity was subtle with different cultures working together in the citadel and establishing deeper racial issues without it getting preachy.  In ME2, the diversity message is heavier with a larger cast and a pro-human rights (terrorist) group in the fore front that you work with but gradually subterfuge and out right rebel against (choice dependent).  Then in ME3, the diversity message is overt with you literally uniting races, some of which who have hated each other for Millenia, for a common threat.  Over all of this, you have a synthetic versus organic debate that can only end in war unless we understand each other (see below).

Well the synthesis ending destroys any thesis Mass Effect may have accidentally told by saying FUCK DIVERSITY, WE ARE ALL ORGANIC/SYNTHETIC/WHATEVER NOW.  We all understand each other perfectly.  The best way to handle diversity....is to fucking CURE it.  I.....UH,...*cough*....ahem.

WHAT

THE LITERAL

FUCK?!?!

This isn't a message of tolerance or even understanding.  This is a message of rewriting everyones DNA so war can't happen because space magic.  Even if every organic being just now has synthetic parts that make them understand robots, which is what the ending implies, HOW DO THE GETH/REAPERS UNDERSTAND ORGANICS BETTER?  This makes no sense!  Actually, this makes negative sense.  The sense meter is below 0.  I once saw the Edmonton Oilers win a hockey game.  THAT made more sense.

You cannot just change the theme like that!  The entire series was based on how diversity is good.  How through our common traits, and our differences, we can accomplish a greater good.  But no, fuck that.  SPACE MAGIC!

And everybody glows green now.  Because reasons.

2.  The Reapers Motive

I hope those reading have played the Leviathan DLC, in which the DLC explains the Reapers origins, have done so cause here is your final warning.

In the ending, as well as the Leviathan DLC, it is explained that the entire motive for the Reapers is to wipe out organic life, before synthetic life does, despite the fact that the Reapers are a organic/synthetic hybrid HOLY SHIT this is stupid.  Also....this sounds oddly familiar.

Sup bro?  Somebody using backwards logic?

The Leviathan DLC doubles down on this stupid with the Leviathan race, which could be cool on their own (see next post), trying to find out why other races are not reaching their "apex".  They conclude that every advanced race invents AI, that same AI eventually wages war on it's creators, so to solve this problem the Leviathans INVENTED A GODDAMN AI THAT OVERTHREW THEM AND FUCK THIS IS STUPID

"These guys are going to be so happy not to get killed by robots."

......

What do you want me to say?  Do you want me to say that before they fired their head writer Drew Karpyshyn, something about dark energy/dark matter was going to be the motive?  Do you want me to say that Mac Walters and Casey Hudson basically wrote the ending by themselves and straight up stole the 3 ending choices from Deus Ex:Human Revolution?  Do you want me to say they used the exact same flawed logic that the villain from Final Fantasy X used?  Do you want me to say they had no clue how to end the series and had to make something up on the fly?

Because to me, that sounds exactly like what they did.

Don't worry though.  Unlike every other piece complaining about something on the internet, I have solutions.  Check back for part 2 where I fix this whole mess.

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The ending to Mass Effect 2 is fantastic though.

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Some Thoughts on the Mass Effect Classes

Unlike your typical RPG, Mass Effect has some very unique, and kind of strange, class types to play as.  There is no obvious fire/ice spells.  There is no obvious support class (none of them are actually).  There kind of is an obvious tank class but it sucks.  Here are some thoughts.

Soldier

"In this Sci-Fi future, my power is shooting dudes"

But, why tho?

This is the most popular class even though it has none of the unique gifts that playing Mass Effect can offer.  OH!  This classes' main power is slowing down time so you can shoot better? Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.  That has only been done dozens of times.

This is one of two tank classes.  Soldiers can take more damage than any other class which makes them sound very appealing to newbies.  They also are strong against NOTHING.  Every battle is a war of attrition.

To be fair, I can see why somebody might play this class if they are a coward.  To a newbie, what the hell does Warp do?  "Is it like teleportation or something?"  Lift/Pull and Throw sound lame, like they are powers that can't do any actual damage but can be used as distractions.  The opposite is sort of true too though, with something like Shockwave sounding awesome, but pretty useless except against husks.

What I played:  Like, 2 hours of this class just to see what it's about.  Yeah, battles take forever until you get better guns, and even then, meh.  Turns out the "argument from popularity" fallacy is still a fallacy.

Infiltrator

"Infiltrator" is also a mobile game because EA

This class is about stealth and sniping...which is sort of like telling your squadmates to be the leaders.  I dunno, this class always seemed too "ninja" for me and didn't fit the Shepard character.  And this is coming from somebody who LOVES many stealth heavy games....but also hates them too.  I'm very picky on stealth.

What I played: NEVER....which is why this entry is so short. This seems like it would be in my wheelhouse as a stealth game fan, but the rest of the game isn't built for it.  Also, Shepard as a common character (as in, the stuff you have no decision over) is so NOT this.

Engineer

Ohhh.  It's so good

This is the least played class yet I have absolutely NO IDEA why.  This class can destroy almost any defense.

The two most common defenses are armor and/or shields.  The Engineer can Incinerate armor and Overload shields.  This class is weak against Biotic Barriers, but bring some Biotics with Shep and it's no problem.

My favorite part of this class is leveling the playing field.  The Engineer gets a Combat Drone, which isn't good for killing enemies but great at distracting them as it charges enemy positions.  Then you have Sentry Turrets in ME3 that can also be great at distracting plus help deal damage when you are setting up defenses.  But, the class gets even better with AI Hacking.  Turn Geth against themselves.  Get Tali and/or Legion in there and you can really create havoc behind enemy lines.  Also, those annoying Cereberus turrets?  You can hack those too.  The panic and confusion from Cerberus forces is fantastic (when they notice. Sometimes they don't notice...until they're dead).

What I played:  My 2nd favorite class.  More people should give it a try.  It's a tad gun heavy but those tech skills absolutely OWN enemy defenses.  And while I didn't use Cryo Blast much, I did use it in multiplayer on ME3 and it is great too.  This class might be slightly overpowered.

Sentinel

Sooooo, we doing Tron now or......

I really don't understand this class.  It's a mix between biotics and tech, making it okay at both but not great at either.  A jack-of-all-trades class, this is also the 2nd heaviest tank class with a class specific skill called Tech Shield.  It's okay.  I never quite figured out how to detonate the Tech Shield with any sort of consistency.  I mean, I knew HOW to do it, but what is its range?  And how much damage does it do compared to the expense of not having an extra shield anymore?

The Engineer has better tech skills.  The Adept (see below) has better biotic skills.  Why pick this class?  Just for the Tech Shield?

What I played:  I played through ME2 once as a Sentinel, realized I didn't like it, then started over.

Adept

Blue Splinter Cell?

Sort of the mage class of Mass Effect, Adepts can fling enemies all over the goddamn place and in the last 2 games, "prime" enemies with a biotic attack and follow it up with another biotic attack for what is called a biotic explosion and it's goddamn awesome.  It does massive damage and if done right, is the most powerful attack in the game other than a headshot from the Black Widow sniper rifle.

Adepts are great at taking down biotic barriers and even shields with it's Warp ability.  Adepts are pretty squishy though.  They cannot take a lot of damage so you absolutely need to be adept (LOL) at using cover effectively. They are also weak against armor so bring heavy hitters with Shep.

Also, playing as this class....what is guns?  Just throw biotics everywhere.  Get the Locust, a lightweight SMG introduced in a ME2 DLC, which does significant damage and has a high shot rate, and yeah.  Golden.

What I played:  Most of the time, with advice from AJ *brofist*.  It's my favorite class.  I don't play the "mage" class often but this one is great.  Cannot stress how much I love the Locust though.  That gun makes this class.  In ME1, this class is pretty tough though.

Vanguard

Yeah, things go boom.

I'm gonna cut straight to the chase, sorry Chase.  This class is absolutely overpowered in ME3.  Charge has a cooldown time of roughly 2 seconds but recharges your shields.  Nova uses up the shield but has 0 cooldown.  So...Charge-Nova-Charge-Nova-win.   You are basically invincible in ME3.  It's stupid.

This class is mostly the tank version of a biotic.  I know I said earlier that the Infiltrator is the "ninja" class but this one makes far more sense.  They can't take too much damage even though it SEEMS better than an Adept.  One vanguard character in multiplayer, the N7 Slayer, is an ACTUAL ninja.  Sword and all.  (It's basically like playing as Kai Leng).

What I played:  I played as a Vanguard my first time through.  It sort of ruined me on ME3 when I found the OP exploit early but ME3 was a lot better with every other class I played.

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A bit off topic, but Mass Effect was never very balanced.  By the time ME3 rolled around, each class was so into their own thing, that some broke the game while others, like the Adept, made things more difficult than they needed to be.  This is okay though because many players could have drastically different opinions just on the gameplay, forget story for a second.  Once ME3 hit, the combat was basically a Gears of War clone but with space magic.  I am, 100%, okay with this.

Also, the unbalanced nature of the classes would have been a HUGE problem if multiplayer was competitive.  Multiplayer was co-op horde mode only though, so it didn't really matter EXCEPT when some idiot Vanguard keeps charging off to the other side of the map and getting him/herself killed.  "We are supposed to defend this point idiot. Why are you getting mad nobody came to revive you when you're fucking around in bum-fuck Egypt?"

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What do you think of the classes?  One you love?  One you hate?  Hit me up on Twitter.

Why the Suicide Mission from Mass Effect 2 is the Best Final Level in Video Game History.

This should be obvious but spoiler warning for Mass Effect 2.

Way back in January, I wrote that the suicide mission at the end of Mass Effect 2 is the greatest "level" in video game history while only providing one paragraph for why.   Well, I also hinted at that topic being covered in more depth so, here you go.  Why the suicide mission from Mass Effect 2 is the best level in video game history (You: "YES JASON, I read the title").

The suicide mission is the centerpiece to the entire game.  Nearly half of the actions taken in this game, outside of the first 15 minutes, is to build up a squad of the finest soldiers in the galaxy to take on a mission nobody fully believes they will survive.  This game is yet another of the dozens (hundreds?) of fictional stories that take inspiration from Kirosawa's masterpiece, The Seven Samurai. Just like Mass Effect 2, that excellent film has a final battle that it spends most of its run time building up too.  There is a reason so much fiction copies it.  That movie is routinely in top 10 films ever made lists and usually the only foreign one.

The other half of the game is based on establishing the squads loyalty, resolving any loose ends they may have, before possibly dying on this impossible mission.  It helps build up the suspense and tension of what the final mission is going to be like.  There is also a few Collector missions thrown in there too which tend to be a bit harder.  That final section of Horizon is rough.  The Collector ship mission has a horror game feel to it at first and I love it too.  The Reaper IFF mission was the hardest mission in the game in my opinion and I was woefully under prepared for it the first time through.

This is punctuated by a near invincible villain named Harbinger, who can ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL......whoa.  Sorry, I just blacked out for a moment.  Also, I have a weird obsession with human DNA all of a sudden.

I forgot to ask Javik in ME3 if Prothean blood is made of lava.

Anyway, the game builds up the stakes for the final mission. Collector missions establish the threat you are going up against, and the excellent characters constantly give insights of determination, support, fear, and uncertainty as you build up to the final showdown.  The stage for a final mission could not have been built better.  I am seriously having a hard time trying to think of another game that did this concept this well.  I'm sure another RPG has done this before....right?

As for the suicide mission itself, it's absolutely amazing.  It blends cutscenes and gameplay beautifully.  The initial Reaper "jet fighter" attack is entirely dependent on the upgrades made to the Normandy. Then you have a boss fight in the hanger, sort of, with one of those fighters which is the 2nd weakest part of the mission.  You have to fight it with heavy weapons, making most previous big fights moot as you are restricted to one form of combat.  THIS...IS...FINE!  I don't mind having to do things differently.  The only problem with the fight is how hard it is for stupid reasons.  The Reaper fighter has absurdly good aim and the high ground....and it's significantly faster.  It's not bad, it's more annoying than anything.

After a cutscene of taking down the Collector ship, the decisions begin.  This is so cool to do in a video game, particularly an RPG.  Every member of the crew is "involved" even if they are not a part of your party.  Who you have lead the 2nd party is important (I chose Garrus 1st time).  Who you send into the vent, who should be a tech specialist, is also important (I chose Tali).  Fail at these decisions and squadmates will die.

Here is a chart.  No cheating Randy.  Click on the picture to enlarge.

The fight during the vent crawl is pretty intense.  You have a time limit to vent heat from the, uh, vents so that the tech specialist doesn't burn to death.  At the same time, you are fighting waves of Collectors, some of which are beefed up as Harbinger.

Then, the decisions get harder.  If you saved the crew (I did not on my first playthrough), you have to choose a squadmate to escort them back to the Normandy.  It's very easy to get Mordin killed here.  Mordin is the ideal person to send, otherwise, you need to keep him with Shepard to keep him alive or have a really loyal 2nd team at the end.  I got lucky (I chose Mordin 1st time).  But it doesn't end there as you have to pick a team 2 leader again (still Garrus), and a biotic specialist to put up a biotic shield against the Collector swarm.  This is relatively tough because you have 5 biotics on your team, excluding a potentially biotic Shepard.  I stressed on this one, trying to decide if Samara or Jack was better for it on my first playthrough.  Later I learned, EITHER are solid (I chose Jack, if you care).

I can't help but think Jack is just Sci-Fi Sinead O'Connor

I am surprised anybody failed these decisions to be honest.  Dialogue is important here.  When they say you NEED a tech specialist to send into the vents, why would somebody send Grunt?  At least the biotic field decision helped the player by limiting the choices but shouldn't you know something about these characters by now?  Why would you choose the limited biotics of Jacob, Miranda and especially Thane who never talked about his biotics.  Samara is obviously a good choice and Jack is a straight up OBVIOUS choice.  Were these people not listening when the game was talking about her being the most powerful human biotic they have ever seen?

That said, the decision of who to escort the crew back was vague.  I'm not gonna lie, after thinking it over, the only reason I chose Mordin was because I love him and it seemed like an obvious video game freebie save.  I IMMEDIATELY regretted it, thinking I needed somebody hardcore like Grunt because obviously Bioware wouldn't be that cliche...would they?  (They were).

Regardless of good or bad decisions, it is an amazing experience to see a video game's final level deliver on its promises.  The actual fight in the biotic field is tense and one of the few times I still die on this mission.  The fight on the moving platforms afterwards, which has a killer speech Shepard gets to deliver beforehand, is good when the music kicks up holy shit!

YYYYYYYYEAH.

The soundtrack really takes it up a notch.  While it's probably not THE best final level theme ever, it's definitely in my top 10, possibly top 5.  The theme is simultaneously epic and most importantly, desperate.  If I were ever to go out in a blaze of glory, I would be rocking this in my headphones.  I'd get pumped up for most of the track, then at 2:47, I'd start my dirtbike.  I would rev my engines some and let the epicness take over.  Then I would take off but I would time my jump over the Grand Canyon at approximately 3:44 so that the horns kick in just as I come off the ramp.  Then land, and let the horns take me away into their sweet embrace........

Uh...anyway, you know a final mission gets it really, really, right when even the music is damn near perfect.  Even with other final themes I may like a bit more, this one truly captures the tone and emotion of the final level.   I was so into it my first playthrough, I swear the music made me see the gameplay in slow-EPIC-motion.  It's hard to explain but it was amazing.

Even with the best final level in video game history, it's still flawed with an awkward boss fight against a giant Terminator...er, "Human Reaper" who dies in two hits from the nuke gun. It took me until my 2nd playthrough until I even noticed that Harbinger and other Collectors attack you when it's at half health.  Credit to the games friendly AI for keeping them off me though!  Well done Jack and Grunt.

Link

This mission capped my favorite game of all time, and it is my favorite largely because of the suicide mission itself.  It's kind of weird that this game ended sooooo fantastically while the trilogy ended questionably.  (See post coming soon).  Although, Empire Strikes Back is by far the best Star Wars movie, so it makes sense that the middle Mass Effect game is the best.  Mass Effect 2, and the entire trilogy, saved my love of games singlehandedly (another post coming soon).

The suicide mission has a sense of closure while also leading into one of the best epilogues ever with a fleet of Reapers bearing down on Earth.  You think you just won this incredible battle?  Think again.  Shit is going to hit the fan in Mass Effect 3!  It's going to be awesome!  (And 99% of it was awesome).

But, the suicide mission had the build up, an entire games worth of build up which is rare in video games, and the level itself hits on all counts, boss fight be damned.  And that's the thing, without the rest of the game, this final level probably isn't so great.  But it is the best final level in video game history simply because it is the only one that I know of that took an entire game to make special.  

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Follow my personal Suicide Mission here.

If you missed my Top 5 Favorite Mass Effect Characters, it is here.

My Top 5 Favorite Mass Effect Characters

Obligatory Spoiler Warning for the main trilogy.  Also, very minor Citadel DLC spoilers.

There are so many good Mass Effect characters that narrowing a list down to just my five favorites was not easy.  However, I just couldn't eliminate any of the "Big 4" according to Mass Effect fans, so only one of these is not a spoiler that I just did.  But if you've read anything else I've written on this blog, you already know who that is so there you go.  Don't bother reading this!

WAIT.  Come back.  I've got explanations and stuff.

Note:  This list is entirely based on these characters AS characters and not as AI weapon/bullet sponge/liabilities.  I could easily knock #3 completely off this list for thinking charging head long into 8 Geth by himself is a good idea.

5.  Urdnot Wrex

Wow.  Putting Wrex this low seems like it should be criminal but that's what I'm doing.  What do you think a Krogan prison would be like?....Don't answer that.

Hey now.  It's a top 5 so I still LOVE Wrex.  He starts as a Krogan mercenary, becomes leader of clan Urdnot (unless you shot him in the first Mass Effect you monster), and eventually becomes the leader of the entire Krogan race.  He's a pure badass and as an older Krogan with a sweet scar, you KNOW he has seen some shit.  As long as you keep him alive in the first game, he becomes one of Shepard's best bros especially with the Citadel DLC...assuming you don't fuck him over in ME3 with the Genophage cure, you monster.  Also, he has a sly sense of humor that is really, really endearing.  Good writing on Bioware's part.

The main two reasons he is at number 5 is because his character arc is kinda ridiculous and that he is relegated to a side character through most of the trilogy.  He is a squadmate in ME1, has a short cameo in ME2, and is a super important plot character in ME3 but never joins the Normandy (until the Citadel DLC).  And considering everything we learn about Krogan culture, how in the hell did he jump up from mercenary to Urdnot leader in two games?  Krogans are willing to kill each other if another Krogan looked at another funny.  Plus, for his obsession with the Genophage and wanting to save the Krogan race, how many Krogans did he have to kill to get that position?

While solidifying the fifth spot, Wrex is still awesome.  If you don't like him, try to fight him.  In real life.  (You - "That's impossible Jason." Me - "SHUT UP").

4.  Tali Zorah vas Normandy

#1 and 2 constantly flip back and forth for me.  So do #4 and 3 so Tali could easily be #3 tomorrow.

The biggest reason Tali isn't higher is because in ME1, she doesn't have as much of an actual character as she is a walking Quarian encyclopedia.  She seems like wasted potential in the first game, only to serve the need of "tech specialist".

I guess Bioware realized the wasted potential because it was surprising to see how much character they gave her in ME2, including a surprise appearance in the very first mission.  In one playthrough, I romanced Tali after romancing NOBODY in ME1 because I'm no cheater.  It was worth it despite her face reveal being dumb as hell.*

*Really?  Why not design a face for her?  I don't care if she looks almost human.  Anything would have been better than what we got.  Were you too busy designing the PAID day-one Javik DLC?

Her personality is very fun and she mixes seriousness with silliness in a believable way.  For lack of a better term, her personality is adorable, while also being badass...if that makes sense.  I think Bioware used the "drunk Tali" joke one too many times with the Citadel DLC, but otherwise it was a unique quirk.  She does complain about her parents at times but that just comes across as a teenage-early 20's type of thing, which would be correct for her races' biology.  I personally like her better as a non-romance option since she sometimes comes across as a MAJOR Shepard fangirl and mixed with her personality, makes her something of a little sister type.

Regardless, she is one of my favorites, and her nerdy, quirky self will always be remembered as one of my favorite video game characters ever.

3.  Garrus Vakarian

Garrus is basically the best friend type to Shepard, unless you romanced him which I DID in my only Femshep playthrough.  He is a very awkward romance option, but he was adorable at times.

I find it odd to have Garrus on this list because more than any other on this list, I don't really know what to say.  Well...I mean I DO know what to say but, why is he here?  In ME1, he is a decent character but too cliche.  Stick up the ass former cop who doesn't want to play by the rules anymore?  Yeah.  No piece of media has ever done that before.  Then, in ME2, Garrus seems to go renegade by being inspired by Shepard, regardless if Shepard was renegade or paragon or middle ground.  He doesn't quite fanboy as much as Tali fangirls', but the inspiration seems to come a bit cheap.  (A BIT cheap.  I actually like this about Garrus. I just think the writing could have been better on the ME2 Arcangel mission).

I may have been the only person who was pretty neutral on Garrus, until ME3.  He is GREAT in ME3.  I bro'd out with him sooooooo much.  I really like the quiet talks with him about how he is sorry about Earth, then Shep is sorry about Palaven, then they just connect like bros do, you know? Garrus is #1 on this list for being a rock for your character (....maybe), for being a comrade in arms, and for being a friend.  The final talk with him before the last mission in ME3 is particularly strong and emotional.  I'd drink with this dude on top of a dangerous Citadel catwalk and shoot bottles with a sniper rifle with him anytime.

2.  Mordin Solus

5 out of 10 times, Mordin is #1.  I dropped him to 2 for shock value because if you read my Top 10 Favorite Video Games Part 2, you would know he is my fav.  Are you shocked I put him at 2?  I write this blog for entertainment damnit.  Are you not entertained?!?!?!  Are you?!?!?

Not to repeat too much of what I said in that previous post, Mordin might be the only character who doesn't treat Shepard like a God.  Sure, he thinks Shepard is a great solider, but he/she is nothing more than that.  Mordin is really the only character to fight back with Shepard in discussions.  YES, Wrex does at Virmire in ME1, but that is more about the mission than philosophy, epistemology, and who the hell you are.  Ashley does at times too but fuck her (I usually saved Kaidan even though he's somehow a boring weirdo).

Mordin is thoughtful in his discussions.  His loyalty mission in ME2 has some of the best written dialog I have ever seen in a video game.  He defends his work with the Genophage (please try this mission paragon if you haven't, renegade agrees with him too much) but after much pressure he starts to have doubt in his voice and his animations.  He never actually caves in to Shepard's opinion, but the struggle is apparent.  So well written and voice acted.

Despite changing voice actors in ME3, he is great here too.  The loyalty mission in ME2 perfectly foreshadowed his change of heart on the Genophage.  Then, during the Curing the Genophage mission, he goes out LIKE A BOSS.  I don't even care if you don't agree with me but it is one of the most badass, while ALSO "brings a tear to your eye" moments in all of fiction.  I am not even kidding.  Mordin is the smartest grizzled bastard to ever grace our entertainment.

And if that wasn't enough, he also has one of the most shockingly funny moments in ME2 singing Rodgers and Hammerstein, and has one of the best postmortems in the Citadel DLC.

1.  Liara T'Soni

Finding a good Liara picture is hard since it's mostly porn.  Here is a great one from DeviantArt.

Yes, I am aware a lot of people don't like Liara all that much due to her being heavily featured in ME3, having quite a bit of game time in ME1, and having an entire ME2 DLC devoted to her.  In my opinion, she is a well rounded character so I don't see a problem, but understand why people want more time devoted to other characters.  For me, all of this helped put her into the number 1 spot (when it isn't Mordin), and no, the fact that she was my romance option in my first playthrough didn't influence my decision.....Okay maybe a little.

Liara as a romance option is one of the better subplots, but she is mainly here due to her great character arc.  I'm always, ALWAYS, a big fan of characters that change due to their experiences.  Liara in my opinion, changes more than any other character (except for maybe Jack, but her change is almost random in its weirdness) as she starts out as a naive, optimistic, history dork and turns into a cold, secretive, ruthless spymaster in ME3.  I am utterly confused that some people hated the "new" Liara but I loved her.

Side note, but I apparently have a "thing" for Bioware spymasters.

People complained about her obsession with getting Shepard's body back after his/her death in the beginning of ME2.  Too bad that's WRONG, because her obsession was about stopping the Collectors from getting it, via the Shadow Broker.  It's not like she was trying to get it for herself.  The only reason Cerberus got it at all is because she figured at least it isn't the goddamn Collectors.  Even then, she was reluctant to help them and didn't know the whole zombie Shepard thing until later.  She was never trying to "bring back Shepard"*

*I read the Mass Effect: Redemption comic which helps explain all this in more detail.  You may call it cheating since that info isn't in the game.  I call it who cares my list.

Starting out with saving the galaxy, seeing her friend/lover's body get pursued by mysterious aliens, having to fight the Shadow Broker to get another friend back, and trying to warn the Council about the looming Reaper threat to deaf ears, it's no wonder she got hardcore. Even then, the sweet, nice, girl next door Liara still pops out from time to time.  Her hardened persona even cracks completely after Thessia is invaded by the Reapers and she breaks down in an emotional outburst.  Old Liara isn't completely gone.

Liara's mix of personality and character arc make her great.  She is undoubtedly in Shepards inner circle in ME3 after being a friend who wants to keep her distance in ME2 and feeling like she is just along for the ride in ME1 (where she admittedly is obsessed with Shepard's connection to the Prothean beacons).  Plus, being one of the best romance options helps give her more character, and one of the more believable romances in any video game even though she never visits a probably lonely Shepard on Earth, that bitch.

My only real complaint with her...well, I'll quote Garrus in the Citadel DLC.  "Shepard, is it just the alcohol or was Liara always so blue?"  She was not Garrus.  She was not.

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Just to piss of anybody who hated Liara a bit more, she is young by Asari standards.  Out of any character, she is the most likely to still be alive and make a cameo in the new Mass Effect: Andromeda considering it takes place further in the future.  HAHAHAHAHA.....I seriously doubt she will but still HAHAHAHAHA......wait.  She is 110 years old in the game, and if Asari live to be around 1,000....so in human years my romance option is OH GOD NO!

August is Mass Effect Month!

Welcome to Mass Effect Month!

All August long, we will be posting nothing but Mass Effect articles!  This series is my personal favorite franchise (at least until ME: Andromeda ruins everything), so much so that Mass Effect 3 only missed my top 10 list due to a self imposed "one entry per franchise" rule.  I feel like I could write novels about just how much I love this game series.

So this is a month long celebration for a series I know a lot of you love as well. Coming soon you will see my top 5 favorite characters, an article about why the Suicide Mission is so damn good, and a more personal article about how Mass Effect saved my love of gaming...(I'm not kidding).  Nothing is perfect however, so I'll also include a post about how I would change the ending if I had such godlike powers to do so.  There will also be a few critiques thrown around.

And this is just some of the content you should expect as we could have a few more as well.  I know AJ has something up his sleeve.  It should be a good time for everybody, although, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS so people who haven't played the games are gonna be a little left out...sorry friends (you know who you are).

So stick around all month long and lets chat Mass Effect.  FIRST ACTUAL POST TOMORROW.


I should go.

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BTW!  If you want to join in on this Mass Effect extravaganza with a post of your own, lemme know on Twitter and I'll add ya.  This is open to anybody.

Life is Strange and the "What is a Video Game" Debate.

Note:  I plan on writing a full review of this series once all 5 episodes are out.  I've played through the first 3 as of this writing.  

I've been playing Life is Strange recently, an episodic story-driven game with minimal gameplay in the traditional sense.  It's pretty awesome, but it reminds me of a debate among gamers about what these games are.  Should these types of games be classified as "video games"?  Should they be called something else?  It's a grand debate that any human that plays video games will always have....although they fucking shouldn't because it's the dumbest debate of all time.

Here is how dumb this debate is.  Regardless of how minimal the gameplay is, the gameplay is still there, so yes, these are video games.  End of debate.

Whoa.  Shortest blogpost ever.  That was easy.

YEAH!  Time to celebrate with tons of potassium and water (SCIENCE JOKE).

Okay, I'll explain myself.  I have two arrogant points.

Point the first:  

This whole debate seemed to arise after TellTale's The Walking Dead won game of the year in many outlets, followed by Gone Home winning game of the year the following year (although The Last of Us may have won in more places).  I haven't played either of those games although I know Life is Strange is very similar to TellTale games.  These are games that are more interactive than a visual novel, but less so than The Last of Us or Grand Theft Auto 5 which was also released (on consoles) the same year as Gone Home.  I can see why the debate is brought up but....why do you care?

Nobody gives a shit about the Grammys, the Golden Globes, the Tonys, or the Oscars.  Okay, people SORT OF care about the Oscars but not enough to riot if a black and white silent film wins best picture in one...which almost happened in 2011.  Why do gamers care if Gone Home wins Best Game of the Year by whatever publication?  It's just another version of these same awards that nobody really cares about and doesn't really mean anything.

What the hell am I looking at?

Is it about money?  Sort of, yes, but it's complicated.  Movies that win an Oscar have been known to receive a bump, but even then, most of the bump is for whoever worked on an Oscar winning movies' NEXT movie.  The Grammy bump has the opposite effect where the bump is there for existing work, but not for the next.  Winning a Tony can apparently single-handedly save a Broadway Show, but how often do people see Broadway Shows outside of elitist culture snobs?  The Golden Globes however, do fuck all.  Video Games lack a single award show that has unanimous approval.  Does anybody really want to buy a game solely off of what Geoff Knightley says is really good?

Award shows are pointless.  Movies that win Best Picture are rarely the best picture.  TV shows that win a Golden Globe are rarely the best.  Musicians who win a Grammy are NEVER the best because that award show is ridiculously corrupt.  Why does anybody care what game wins a pointless Game of the Year award?  Seriously....leave a comment.  I don't understand these people.*

*Before I go on to the next point, I only realized this first one when talking with members of the infamous #Gamergate.  They seemed weirdly annoyed at Gone Home and thought it shouldn't win a Video Game award because it isn't a video game.  I counter that with, who fucking cares?  Awards, are, pointless.

Point the Second:

The other issue that is brought up about these video games needing to be called something else is because people get hung up on the "game" part of the title.  Doesn't a video game need to have something resembling a fail state, a way to lose so to speak, for it to be a "game"?

I sort of agree with that argument, except that I've always thought the term video game was kind of dumb.  A great video game is "just a game" the same as a great movie is "just a movie".  Both statements are technically correct even though something feels off about them.  Video games feel like they can be more than just a game and I think getting too hung up about being a game can restrict what the medium is capable of.

Like, references and shit.  That movie is awful BTW.

In the end, this whole argument boils down to a stupid semantics debate and what the definition of words are and my eyes are glazing over.  You know a debate gets good when two sides start debating the philosophical meaning of the word "game".  It's the same type of people who would debate whether or not that last sentence was sarcasm.

Life is Strange, the game I've played recently which inspired this blogpost, doesn't have a traditional fail state (although I wouldn't be surprised if one appears near the end of episode 5).  Your character, Max, cannot die.  However, I have ABSOLUTELY failed in this game, as anybody who has played through the end of episode 2 can attest.  Unlike other games, you have to continue on with that failure as a part of the game sort of like real life.  You don't just respawn like nothing happened (unless you went back and replayed the scene you coward).  Without getting into spoiler territory, the end of episode 2 can significantly change the way you see the rest of the story even if most of the changes in episode 3 are in dialogue only (there is a couple of minor visual changes too).

eeeyyaaa....EEEYYAAA.....AHHHHH *starts sobbing*

As for other frequently accused non-games. I know characters can die in Tell Tale games, even if it's not the main character, due to player choice.  Heavy Rain, one of the first games to start this stupid debate, the main character can die if you fail certain quick time events (dumb yes, but still a fail state).  The other David Cage game, Beyond:Two Souls might be the best example as it is impossible to die, or at least I think it is from the tiny amount of gameplay and Let's Play footage I've watched.  And despite the lack of a fail state, there is still gameplay.....OH SHIT!  The "game" word is back!

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Anyway, dumbest video game debate ever.  These types of games are video games until otherwise re-defined.  If they are still lumped in with every video game, and video games as a whole are re-defined, that is what they are.  If they are separated from video games, and are defined something else, Life is Strange is still a great "interactive game-movie thing visual novel weird dream".  Semantics are for whiners.  People who persist can get the fuck over it.

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Cloudberry Kingdom Review

It's been a long time since I've played a super hard platformer, so figuring that I was a little out of practice, I decided to jump back in with arguably the hardest platformer of all time in Cloudberry Kingdom.  I typically have quite a bit of patience in these kinds of games as I can die hundreds of times on one stage and not get too worked up about it.  Cloudberry Kingdom's late stages however, could reach thousands of times....if I actually managed to make it that far.

I mean come on.  Look at this shit.

For those that have never played, those lasers coming from the sky also kill you.

Cloudberry Kingdom is deceptive with its difficulty at first.  Stages 1-50 are a breeze.  But each time the game introduces a new obstacle, it adds to the difficulty simply by adding more of them, until the screen is filled with instant death.  Even with everything going on, it's seemingly possible to speed run each stage (until the late stages) and often times, it's the ONLY way to pass some of them.  This game demands precision platforming a la Super Meat Boy, but with a Sanic like sense of speed.  

Rather than just throwing a meteor shower at you while you try to cross a slaughtering house, the difficulty has one other wrinkle to frustrate you just a bit more by frequently changing the way you control your character.  Sometimes he is tiny but you can jump high.  Sometimes he is huge and can't jump high.  Sometimes he phases between being small and huge with a questionable hitbox.  Sometimes you have a double-jump or a jetpack.  Some of them get really weird like "hero in a box", in which you can't move WITHOUT jumping, or a rocket powered minecart, in which the game decides you are not dying fast enough.

The bunny ears and pink suit just make you cute.

The three absolute worst controls however, are wheel, the pogo stick, and the spaceship,  The wheel has you strapped onto, uh, a wheel and as you can imagine, lets you build up some incredible momentum, making stopping a nightmare.  In case you don't know why this sucks so hard, it basically turns those stages into the old "ice level" cliche from older platformers.  The pogo stick ends up being the vertical version of that same problem which oddly enough is WORSE in this game.  I'm constantly bouncing all over the fucking place.  I don't think I'm ever yelled at my TV saying, "I just want control of my character back!" before this game.

And....the spaceship.  Holy shit, the spaceship is a lovecraftian nightmare.  Those stages are setup like a horizontal 2-D shooter only without the shooting.  You have to dodge everything, and by everything, I mean hundreds of flies.  This isn't what pisses me off though since I usually made it through the flies just fine.  It's the elevator platforms, right before the checkpoint, that I died on all the damn time.  In other stages, this part right before the checkpoint is often the "safe zone" with a column of platforms going up, and another immediately afterward going down.  Now, imagine that, and try to fly through it.  Oh, and the checkpoint is tantalizingly close.  It's a goddamn miracle I didn't rage quit on these levels.  

I WASN'T KIDDING ABOUT THE FLIES.  And they are not stationary, they move.

The varying controls do not help with the precision platforming, but neither do some bugs.  Occasionally they benefit you as I've been able to survive direct hits a few times.  Usually though, they screw you, as I've fallen through platforms I obviously landed on.  The worst is a frequent jumping bug when you try to jump off of bouncy boxes and the aforementioned flies heads.  Similar to many platformers with the same mechanic, you can not hit the jump button to do a soft bounce off of these things, or you can press the jump button to reach higher terrain.  Routinely, if I tried to jump off certain bouncy things, I would fail 5 out of 10 times.

"Bouncy things", when stages are still easy.

YES, YES, I know what you're thinking.  Maybe I just suck.  Sometimes this is true but not this time. Around stage 150, I noticed something about all these bouncy thing jumps, and only if I hit the jump button.  Regardless of wither I succeeded or failed the jump, the game would produce a goddamn jump SOUND EFFECT (do you see how angry I am?).  The sound code for the game was registering that I jumped while the graphics did not.  That. Is. Some. Bullshit.  

OH?  Yes.  I know.  Maybe I wasn't holding down the jump button.  Just like many platformers, you can tap the jump button for a light hop, or hold it down for a higher/longer jump.  It didn't matter.  While it was hard to test on the bouncy things, there was a stage with a safe platform, but with a very short window in which I could proceed.  Due to the speed run nature of this game, I would land on the platform and quickly try to jump off it only I repeatedly fell to my death due to lack of jump. After failing 100 times I'd yell, "I jumped!" only to realize that maybe I'm jumping too late.  Nope!  For the first second on that platform, which is an eternity in this game, you cannot jump!  I tested this by purposely stopping on that platform and hammering on the jump button (which would cause me to jump up and down rather than forward).  Nothing happened for the first 4 button hits or so.  

This means, that when you yell at this game saying, "I fucking jumped!" after running off a platform to your doom, you are actually correct.  This game IS fucking with you, you are NOT going crazy....but yeah sometimes you just hit the jump button too late.

There is a story to this game but who cares?  Not the right type of game for me to care.

Cloudberry Kingdom is a good game.  Not great due to it's precision platforming not always being precision, but still good.  I don't normally do this in my reviews, but I would recommend trying it out sometime.  The Story Mode has set stages, they get progressively harder, and can supposedly be finished though I think that is an ancient myth or something.  There is an Arcade Mode with several different types of play, all of which are infinite and randomized.  You can also make custom stages (sort of), where you can manipulate the types of controls as well as the difficulty.  Any of these modes can be played in up to 4 player local co-op.  There is no online co-op but I assume even a slight amount of lag would make this game impossible.

If you do decide to try this game out, keep in mind 4 things.

1. You will not finish story mode.
2. No seriously, you will not finish story mode.
3. Remember that video at the beginning of the blogpost?  That is stage 319, the second to final stage of the game (319 and 320 look similar in video).  There is a reason that leaderboard has a three way tie at the top.  Nobody had EVER beaten 319 legitimately when it was posted.  Oddly enough, you can glitch it, but even that is really, really difficult.  The AI beats the stage in the video above but if you look closely, it should have died multiple times from the lasers.  A handful of people have beaten it, and by a handful, I mean like 2.  (It's hard to find this data but 2 people on PS3 have with video proof on Youtube. Obviously there could be more on Xbox but it's definitely less than 10 people total and that's generous).
4. So I'm not kidding, you will not finish story mode.

This is what awaits at the end, only, all of that is moving.

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Check out my review of Papo & Yo here.  

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